Artemis Fowl: The Cousin's Conspiracy
by The Violist
Summary: Artemis Fowl. Middle Earth. Bad combination. Especially when two hobbit-obsessive, ANNOYING girls come along for the ride. Rated for a little swearing. Tiny bit of mush. VERY FUNNY! (COMPLETE) written before EC came out
1. Chapter One: Reuniting

*waves* HI EVVYBODY! O.o Wassup? Listen, I'm putting this back up. I deleted the first one because *covers eyes* some VERY screwed up things happened with the story regarding names.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I only own myself, Tessa. I don't own Jennie or Alison, even, because they are PEOPLE. *waves* HI JEN! YOU READING THIS? I swear I won't screw things up this time! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Artemis Fowl: The Cousins' Conspiracy  
  
By Tessa And Jennie  
  
Chapter One: Reuniting  
  
The Ops Booth, underground:  
  
"Holly, I'm worried about Artemis Fowl."  
  
The speaker was not your average scientist, though he did call himself one. Short and somewhat stout, the centaur leaned back in his swivel chair, stroking a curly, ruddy beard. A huge three-screen computer was softly humming, its keyboard being manipulated by expert fingers. Known as Foaly by his few friends, the creature was infamous for his gift of sarcasm.  
  
His companion, nearly three feet tall, wasn't sure if he was being sincere. She had auburn hair that was currently cropped to her earlobes, and fiery, determined eyes. Pointed ears marked her as one of a species that humans thought had died out or never existed - an elf, by the name of Holly Short.  
  
Her story goes back several years, to the fatal moment when she had been abducted. Her fate had been spun out between her captor, a brilliant, sinister boy, and the commander of her police squad. The only girl in the whole of Recon, a branch of LEP (Lower Elements Police), her body was thin and nimble; but even her wit had not stopped her abductor from succeeding in acquiring fairy gold in exchange for her. The boy's name was Artemis Fowl II, which had a sinister ring itself. And Foaly was worried about him?  
  
"And why exactly are you anxious for our infamous criminal mastermind?"  
  
The centaur hesitated. "I can't get a hold on his web page, and it's bothering me. What's he up to now, I wonder?"  
  
Holly began to smirk. "Ever since he found out you could access any file on the planet, he's used notebooks - for the most part anyway. Which is probably hard on his poor delicate fingers, but I think he'd sooner have blisters than a nosy centaur poking around his records." She paused. "Delicate fingers" was not exactly true, as he had actually saved her life during the goblin insurgence by crawling across the roof of a pitching radioactive train. She flinched, remembering how she had nearly lost her finger - and her life - on that same train. Her eyes traveled to the scar around the digit in question, still raw and red after two years hence.  
  
"I don't know. I just have a feeling. He's fifteen now, you know." Her friend followed her gaze to the wounded hand.  
  
Holly considered this.  
  
"I'll be ninety in March," she pointed out. Elves lived nearly ten times as long as Mud People (such they had christened the race of men). "And you'll be - what - a hundred and forty-three next June?"  
  
Foaly winced. "Julius will probably be announcing his millennia birthday."  
  
The only female captain in Recon closed her eyes, remembering her aggressive and exceptionally loud commander.  
  
"If he doesn't have a heart attack first. Do you remember when I was first assigned to his squad three years ago?"  
  
It was the centaur's turn to smirk.  
  
"The world remembers that year, Holly. You are the only unsuccessful ransom hostage in the history of the People."  
  
"D'Arvit," mumbled Holly, rubbing her eyes wearily as her period in Fowl Manor flashed before her eyes. "Well, I think Root -" She didn't have the nerve to call him by his first name, as Foaly did. "- didn't like me because I asked him how old he was my very first day in his office."  
  
Foaly's jaw dropped. "Did he kill you? No, you're still alive. D'Arvit, Holly, even I'm not that stupid." A spark of curiosity caused him to ask, grinning slightly, "So, how old is he?"  
  
The captain shot him a withering glance. "Do you think he answered me? Besides the normal roaring and turning purple?"  
  
A grating voice behind her caused Holly to jump and redden. "I'm so glad you have entertainment at my expense," Root drawled, glaring at the two friends from his stance in the Ops booth doorway. Ever since Foaly had been trapped in his own office, he had removed the protective doors.  
  
Holly fleetingly wondered how long he had been standing there. She waited expectantly for the blast of fury, which would probably accompany her career suspension. Like Foaly, she now taunted the commander more than any sane elf would dare - both were never actually fired, though. The trio had formed an odd companionship since the Artemis Fowl incidents. She had that much to thank the arrogant teen for, an ally himself if not an actual friend.  
  
Instead of bellowing, however, the commander shot her a furious look before dropping into the chair beside her. "So, what's this about Artemis Fowl?"  
  
"Like I said, sir, his web page doesn't have... anything. Except for his vital statistics. And that's hardly anything to go by. I seriously doubt that he's sitting at home twiddling his thumbs."  
  
Root folded his arms, watching the centaur closely. "Is this your regular paranoid self talking, or is it something I should actually be worried about?"  
  
Holly smiled slightly. They all knew Artemis was not a person to take lightly. If Foaly thought the mastermind was up to something, then he was probably up to something.  
  
The scientist paged through the meager report. "There's another way I could try..." The commander growled something inaudible before raising his eyes to the ceiling. "Try it, then," he hissed. "This is Artemis Fowl we're talking about."  
  
Foaly opened a file, typing in a combination of letters and numbers to download it faster - password-assessable, like all of his documents. "I saved his computer number under a disk, as well as his e-mail code - not too hard, I can tell you. All you really need to do is close the box and open his falsely secured print, which is as easy as typing hello..."  
  
Root was losing his patience, as he always did with the vain computer whiz. "How does this help us?"  
  
"Well, I can log on under his files code, though I would have to reboot the entire system. Like fitting a six-year-old computer into a fairy laptop. But I can do it, though it will take me three weeks to get our system back to normal. Good job I have everything on disk."  
  
"Do we really need to do this?" Holly asked, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth. Hadn't she learned not to underestimate Artemis Fowl by now?  
  
"Not really," said Foaly. "Curiosity mainly, and apprehension. I've tried to check up on his page every month, call me paranoid if you wish... but..."  
  
"Fine," growled Root, ignoring the dubious looks that a passing team of gremlins shot him as he stood, fingering his buzz baton. "Just get on with it."  
  
Five minutes passed. Grumbling to himself, the commander sank into a velveteen chair, allowing his eyes to close as Foaly typed furiously.  
  
Some twenty minutes later, the centaur prodded his stomach gently. "Not a genius, eh, Julius? Come and look at this. He's certainly ambitious, our little Arty."  
  
"D'Arvit," yawned Root as he stirred himself, rising from the padded chair. Holly was sitting motionless, staring at the screen; the criminal teen's web page had just fully downloaded. He tottered over, paging down through the files.  
  
"D'Arvit," he said again, a moment later. "He's insane."  
  
"Tell me about it," agreed Foaly, looking over his shoulder.  
  
Holly didn't say anything. As crackbrained as the scheme was, she couldn't help but feel that she would be part of it, maybe even wanted to be part of it. Artemis Fowl was a boy you ought to avoid, but for some reason, she was always pulled into his plans.  
  
Always.  
  
She was right.  
  
Fowl Manor:  
  
Artemis Fowl steepled his fingers, brows knit in frustration. He had black hair, usually flat and well groomed; today it wisped over his pale skin, which was bleached from the many hours he spent before the computer. His blue eyes, so deep and intelligent they were almost black, glared at the laptop screen before him.  
  
An exceptionally tall, aging man entered the room behind him, roughly over six feet. Though Artemis was almost done growing, he still had to look up maybe ten inches to look the person in the eye. It was his bodyguard (actually known as Butler, the only human ever that had taken out a fully armed LEP squad, not to mention a troll). Watching over his charge was a difficult job as it happens, for Artemis was not prepared to sit tight and wait out a chance of riches, or even just the odd danger. Though his muscles were thin and rarely exercised by any means, the teen had acquired a taste for adventure; his experiences with Holly had by no means diminished them.  
  
Yet another male sat down beside the adolescent. This one had a scarred face, painfully burned and worn; one of his legs was gone from the knee, meaning he had to use a crutch. No less ambitious than his son, Artemis Senior had the household wrapped around his fingers, though only one person took that view.  
  
Artemis the Second scowled as his father beamed at him. The teen had been in complete control of his life before - with the aid of Holly, Butler, and Root - he had rescued his father. Now he barely had a moment to spare, what with the boarding school and repetitive lessons that he was forced to attend.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked his father, laying a hand on his son's shoulder. Two years before, the stiff Artemis the Second would have melted at the kindly action. Now, irritable, he shrugged it off. In a way, he was like his past enemy, Opal Kaboi; never happy as second in command. And in his eyes, his father was in command.  
  
"Trying to get on my laptop." His reply was short. "Unfortunately, I think it might be damaged. It's like I'm already on, and trying to get on again..." His voice trailed off as he tried to explain the problem. Why bother? he thought glumly.  
  
His fingers skimmed over the keyboard again. Again, the connection failed. And even as he sat fuming, the screen blossomed into an email.  
  
For a moment he was too surprised to even read it. Then, with an odd feeling, his eyes traveled over the hieroglyphic-like script. It wasn't Egyptian, though.  
  
Something gripped his stomach. Butler's too, for even from his position at the back of the room, he recognized those shapes. It was Gnommish, the language of the fairy people.  
  
His mind needed only a second to translate it. With a casual click, he closed the window and shut his computer down.  
  
"What language was that?" asked his father, puzzled.  
  
"I dunno. It was probably just junk mail," lied Artemis glibly.  
  
He sat back in his chair, pondering the message. Was it possible? Did the fairies know about his plan, even though he had secured the file even with a password? He realized, suddenly, that he wanted them to know. Wanted them to help. Wanted it to be another carefree adventure, another secret between him and the People. And it looked like it was going to be.  
  
The message had not been junk mail.  
  
Not without me, Holly had written.  
  
He smiled.  
  
Well? Whatcha think? GIMMIE REVIEWS! 


	2. Chapter Two: Discontentment

So whatcha think? Good? Baaad? C'mon guys, REVIEW! To Jennie: I HAVEN'T SCREWED IT UP YET! YAY!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself. Yada yada yada. Now READ!  
  
Chapter Two: Discontentment  
  
Root fumed. "You what?"  
  
"Sent him an email telling him that I should come too," Holly answered patiently. The bold part of her added, with a dangerous snicker, "It is the twentieth century, sir. Sending an email was possible the last time I checked." She bit down hard upon her tongue, drawing blood; Root cast her a frosty glance.  
  
Foaly grinned. "Julius, face it, she's right. Without help our young Fowl may really go, shall we say - overboard with his schemes."  
  
The commander still looked irritated. "Why should we care about a -" He bit off the last words, looking suddenly thoughtful.  
  
Holly tried hard not to smirk. "You see? You're not entirely sure yourself whether Artemis is a friend or not."  
  
"Captain, he's a Mud Boy. I'm not risking one of us for a human, not even a -" He caught himself just in time, but everyone knew what he had been going to say.  
  
A girl.  
  
The look his captain sent him was venomous. Root rubbed his temples. "Holly, listen. In general, males are a lot more prized than females. And it's not likely that -"  
  
Holly stood, not even letting him finish. Her eyes were blazing. Once, she would have bit her lip and kept quiet.  
  
Not anymore. She had proved herself, in her eyes at any rate. Hadn't she recovered both Artemis Fowl's parents? Hadn't she helped during the goblin insurgence? She had even saved Root's life. And here he was, back to square one, going on about prejudice.  
  
"Artemis is my friend," she snapped. "And he has helped the People too. We have a debt to be repaid, even if we did help him in rescuing his father."  
  
The centaur and elf watched silently as she stormed out of the cubicle.  
  
"Well, Julius, what do you think?"  
  
For once, the commander ignored the use of his first name. "You're on shuttle duty from now on, that's what I think. Don't let her leave."  
  
Foaly looked on expressionlessly as Root turned to leave. He would accept shuttle duty, even though it was grunt work - but he had plans of his own about whether or not Holly would be going to Fowl Manor.  
  
Holly sat, bristling, on the edge of her bed. She rubbed her eyes and examined the dim room around her, an officer's quarters to the teeth. Weapons, possibly six maximum, were piled on a desk; stacks of ancient stakeout documents squatted next to it. Her wardrobe was slightly open, revealing LEP jumpsuits; Foaly provided the helmets to those on their way to the surface.  
  
The fairies completely lived underground, driven off the face of the planet by Mud Men. Though there was no natural light, they almost preferred it to living the way they had used to; at least below ground they had a little privacy.  
  
All fairies possessed some magic, such as the ability to mesmerize, shield, and heal. During a full moon, however, they had to find an ancient oak by a running stream. This was an old ritual, performed to replenish their powers - a fairy had to bury an acorn far from the tree where they picked it up.  
  
I return you to the earth, And claim the gift that is my right.  
  
The captain scowled, remembering how she had abandoned the Ritual until, finally, a revealing encounter with the troll had proved she didn't even have the power to shield. That night, Root had sent her out to restore her magic - and found out later that Artemis Fowl had abducted her under the very oak tree he had sent her to.  
  
She stood up, massaging stiff muscles. Her hazel eyes were lit with a burning will. She would leave for Fowl Manor that night.  
  
Holly actually had more at risk than the life of her friend. Her entire career could be destroyed if she visited the surface without her commander's approval. So could her future - working under the Arctic Circle for fifty years in chains was inevitable. She would have to travel in style.  
  
Fowl Manor, Ireland:  
  
Artemis was discontent. Not exactly an unusual phenomenon, considering his past; but this time, he could not vent his feelings, because of the constant supervision his parents provided. After two years with both of them watching him, he wanted to get away.  
  
The "plan" was almost complete, with a few minor glitches. He had researched ever since the school year had ended - almost a month ago - the large and prosperous countries. However, just one fascinated him beyond doubt; America.  
  
The United States.  
  
He had decided to run away.  
  
Unfortunately, our ambitious subject was not the sort who hides at a friend's house. You would have to feel sorry for the friend if he did. No, the mastermind had enough wit - and money - to actually live quite well if he abandoned his real home, even if he traveled across the ocean.  
  
Small wonder the People were worried about him.  
  
He flicked on his laptop. It was now working perfectly fine. Briefly considering it, he decided that Foaly must have copied his security code. How odd. Usually, his things were left untouched by even the boldest of bullies. But fairies had their own safety measures, and an extra dose of self-confidence. Switching on his desk lamp, he bent closer and began to type.  
  
I have planned for a month now. Butler, of course, cannot be informed of my intentions, though I have good reason to believe he suspects something. He asks me constantly if I am feeling all right. My parents know nothing, and Juliet is preoccupied with her first date. Holly, I think, will accompany me, through no design of my own. If she arrives, I am ready to depart tonight. I recently made arrangements for a passport on an Ireland flight to America, which leaves the Ireland coast the day after tomorrow. After I reach the airport of America... well, I shall go on from there. If I cannot decide, the old open-the-map-close-your-eyes-and-stab-with-a-pin routine will be good enough for me. If Holly does join me, I will have to buy another passport. She will be disguised as a young child, though whether that will be too much for her elvish dignity I really cannot tell. I intend to stay in the United States for at least a month, perhaps adding to the Fowl assets with more of my flawless schemes.  
  
Artemis steepled his fingers, leaning back in his chair. He hoped Holly would arrive soon. His ventures would not wait.  
  
The Ops booth, underground:  
  
Holly forged past a group of gossiping dwarves, ignoring the stench that rose from their sickly garments. A Retrieval officer ran past her toward the pods. She smiled wryly, as she would be going there herself, soon enough - but first, she had to persuade Foaly to loan her a helmet and a set of Hummingbirds, a wing model.  
  
She arrived panting in the Ops booth, looking around for the centaur. He smirked at her from his position on the cushioned side couch. "I thought you'd be in here soon enough. Actually, I ought to be on shuttle duty right now. Orders, you know. We can't let any headstrong girlies go charging up to the surface."  
  
The remnant of Holly's patience went flying out of the room. "Foaly, you little impertinent twerp, if you don't give me a wing set and helmet right now, I'll -"  
  
"Relax," the centaur soothed. "I'm on your side."  
  
This was the last thing the captain had expected. "What?"  
  
"I said, I'm on your side. I suppose you wouldn't agree to an eye-cam? Just to make sure Arty doesn't go overboard?"  
  
Holly started fuming again. "If there's one person more insolent than you on this entire planet, I would pay gold not to meet them," she snapped, yanking on a helmet and twisting out the camera - she did not want to be tracked.  
  
Foaly allowed himself a bemused grin before assuming an innocent face. "I meant with this runaway thing."  
  
"Oh." She considered it. "No. It's too dangerous. What if Root finds the transmit screen?"  
  
"I guess you're right. What model do you want?" the centaur asked, trotting over to the wing rack. "We're out of Hummingbirds, the Retrieval team just took the last pairs. What about a Hornet? It has a solar battery too."  
  
Holly hesitated. "I think I'll just take a gas engine. We don't want to leave anything valuable at Fowl Manor; Artemis's parents would think they were going mad if they got a hold of fairy technology. And the mastermind would probably figure out how to use the parts to his own advantage."  
  
"Right."  
  
The captain strapped on the Dragonfly model, flinching at its heavy weight. She turned to find Foaly chewing his lip, watching her worriedly. "Holly, be careful. If Julius finds out you've left - and that I let you go - he'll eat us both alive and throw our remains in Howler's Peak."  
  
She was about to make a perky retort when his eyes caught and held hers. There was no merriment in them. Her stomach suddenly rolled.  
  
She nodded to him and turned toward the pods. "I'll be careful."  
  
Review? Please? 


	3. Chapter Three: Departure

Heehee. Just so you guys know, I started this in August. I just haven't been putting it up for you. So I have it up to Chapter Eighteen. But I LOVE the Chinese Water Torture. You gotta read this SLOOWWWWLYYYYY! AHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Three: Departure  
  
Artemis rolled out of bed and hastily turned off his loud alarm clock. Not that anyone would have heard it; the clock was rigged to earphones and Artemis had mixed powdered sleeping pills in his family's drinks the night before. Butler had been included in this treatment; nevertheless, Artemis heard a loud snort from his room as he tiptoed down the stairs. He rolled his eyes. Talk about extreme security measures.  
  
Entering the kitchen, the mastermind looked around for Holly. She was nowhere in sight. He sighed and set a slice of bread in their toaster. No point in going without breakfast.  
  
Holly immediately speckled into view, bedecked in LEP uniform. She scowled as Artemis looked unsurprised by her appearance. "Why do I bother?"  
  
"I don't know. Seeing as that little trick wasted our time, unimpressed me and did nothing to further your own means, I suppose you could call it lack of common sense." The boy poured himself a glass of milk.  
  
"It took about ten seconds out of our day, you little -"  
  
"Ten seconds that are infinitely precious to our plan based on the speed of the participants, or more accurately me and my less important accompaniment Holly Short."  
  
"I don't know why I put up with you. What do you call the ten minutes you're using to eat breakfast?"  
  
Artemis spread blackberry jelly on his toast, smiling to himself. He wondered if any other teenage boy woke up to have an immediate fight with an elf, and decided he was unique in that respect as well. "I call it nourishment, a necessity, and a good use of the time that it takes you to dress."  
  
"Dress?" Holly looked confused.  
  
Artemis thrust a Barbie jacket and a plaid jumper at her. "If you travel with Mud Men, you look like a Mud Man too. Now hurry up. Bathroom's the first left down the hall."  
  
Holly scowled icily at him. "What makes you think -"  
  
"This is my plan. You follow my plan or you don't come."  
  
"Excuse me. I can't believe how stupid I was to forget about your arrogance. What a pig."  
  
Artemis bit into his toast. "Bantering will get you nowhere, Holly. Now please go and change before I decide you need assistance."  
  
Holly gingerly took the Barbie jacket from him and looked at it in disgust. "Remind me again why I'm wearing this crap?"  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Unless you want to waste magic shielding the whole trip, you might as well play the part of a six-year-old as fully as possible."  
  
"Six-year-old?!"  
  
"Holly, spare me the theatrics and go and get into those clothes!"  
  
The elf left, an expression of incredulity on her face as she looked at her new garments. When she returned a moment later, clad in plaid jumper and flowery shirt, her attitude hadn't changed.  
  
"I feel like a stupid Mud Man."  
  
"That was the idea." Artemis finished his toast.  
  
"These itch."  
  
"Go cry."  
  
Holly grinned impishly up at him. "If I cry, I might wake up Butler, and we wouldn't want that. Then again, it would make small difference."  
  
The mastermind blinked and listened hard for a minute. His expression changed to one of horror as he heard thumps on the ceiling; Butler thumps, thumps of a manservant groggily getting dressed.  
  
"D'Arvit," he muttered, eyes wide. He fled the table, moving quietly as he snatched up his duffel bag and yanked on the sneakers he had gotten for informal occasions. Grabbing Holly by the wrist, he bolted out of the manor and set off across the turf.  
  
Holly was protesting loudly at his touch on her hand. She pulled herself free and took the lead. "Where are we going?" she hissed over her shoulder.  
  
Artemis steered her through the trees surrounding his home. "To the Ireland airport."  
  
Half an hour later, Holly looked around the busy building with wide eyes. "This looks like the pod stations underground."  
  
"Go figure."  
  
"No, really."  
  
A falsetto voice crackled over the speakers. "Welcome to the terminal. Please take notice that all unattended luggage will be removed. Thank you for flying today."  
  
Holly shook her head at the unfamiliar voice. Back underground, it would be Foaly's dry tones greeting his passengers.  
  
Some passing security guards gave them odd looks. Artemis instantly stepped in behind a moderately young couple, trying to look innocent. Something that he was not skilled in. Ordinarily he would be playing the devious mastermind about now. But this was fated to be a non-ordinary adventure.  
  
Holly followed him, taking everything in. "Shouldn't we get our tickets about now?" Artemis showed her two tickets for a Stefan Bashkir and his little sis. Holly rolled her eyes. "Aren't you efficient. Since when am I playing your little sister?"  
  
"Since now. Live with it. And these are preordered with tape recordings of my parents' voices."  
  
Holly was impressed in spite of herself. "Any weapons we need to ditch right now, Sherlock? Or do you plan to be held up in security?"  
  
Artemis had thought of that too. "They're all blunted to harmlessness or disassembled. Batteries are mixed in with some dolls of yours."  
  
Holly opened her mouth to say an inappropriate word. Artemis covered it hastily. "Shhh, Holly, don't get us into boiling water now! Six-year-olds don't say that stuff!"  
  
"DOLLS, Artemis? DOLLS?!" Holly said the word with scathing disbelief.  
  
Artemis covered her mouth again, whispering urgently. "My name is Stefan. Use it."  
  
She shut up, glowering. As he turned away, the boy heard her mutter softly.  
  
"Dolls."  
  
He grinned and hefted his backpack up for a security officer.  
  
Moments later, Artemis relaxed in his plane seat. He was pleased with his bluff of "my-parents-can't-come-into-security-they're-back-there" and Holly had played her part beautifully, acting just like a naïve child. Now, however, her face was glued to the plane window, murmuring stuff like "Mud Man technology these days" and "Dolls. A female LEP officer pretending to have DOLLS!"  
  
He sighed and took out his laptop. Once the plane started, he wouldn't be able to use it at all. Opening up his web page, he started to type.  
  
We are going to Denver. I chose last night, stabbing most inadequately with a pin, of all things. It is a fair enough city. Holly has showed up, and doubts my choice, but I could care less. She seems to resent her Mud Man bluff. I hope Butler is sufficiently delayed in his search for us.  
  
A flight attendant came by. She glared down at the boy. "Excuse me, but you'll have to put that away; we're about to leave."  
  
Artemis complied, cursing himself for drawing attention. He leaned back and watched Holly press her nose against the window, clearly enjoying riding in a craft that she wasn't steering herself.  
  
As the plane began to roll away from the airport, Artemis suddenly thought of something. "Holly, I can't believe I've never asked you this, but have the LEP ever been in space?"  
  
"Foaly's working on a model of the space shuttle," she replied without taking her eyes from the window. "I can't believe you've never asked me that either. Knowing you, Foaly won't ever have a moment's peace from now on."  
  
Artemis persisted. "What's it like?"  
  
Holly sighed, finally looking at him. "Three years ago, around the time you kidnapped me, a class was opened in the LEP academy for FSE, Fairy Space Exploration. We've had fifteen graduates so far, hardly enough for an actual project. The class is very grueling, and the graphics and stimulation are from Foaly himself. The sole reason you weren't stopped at the site of my abduction was because of that. Foaly's priority, the business he was working on when I was out doing a routine run for the Ritual. Though it turned out to be more than a routine." She smiled, a little ruefully.  
  
Artemis sighed and looked away as the plane took off.  
  
"Just imagine," the captain went on, mischief creeping into her voice, "if the heir to Fowl Manor was still as brutal as he was around that time. I count your softening as one of my greater accomplishments, Fowl, so don't regret your mistake."  
  
"I never have, Short. I never have." He met her eyes squarely, a hint of amusement in their blue depths.  
  
She looked out the window, watching Ireland fall away beneath them. Her keen eyes picked out Fowl Manor before it slid out of her vision. She wondered briefly if Butler had discovered their flight yet and decided she didn't want to know. Then her mind turned to Root and his restrictions on her. Had he found out about her disappearance? She decided she didn't want to know that either.  
  
Artemis noticed her discomfort. "Let me guess. You're not supposed to be here?"  
  
The captain rolled her eyes, glad somehow for the change of subject. "Root being a stubborn pig again did not help us at all. If it hadn't been for Foaly's sardonic disobedience towards him, I wouldn't be here. Thank Frond for centaurs."  
  
Her companion grinned. "Root might not share your opinion."  
  
"Bother Root." Holly scowled. "You need watching over. Of all the people on the planet you are the most likely to fall into a land mine one day, or something just as unpleasant. I'm not sure why, but you have a knack for getting us in trouble, Fowl."  
  
"Oh really."  
  
"Deep trouble."  
  
"Tell me something I don't know." Artemis grinned again. "And if I remember correctly, you had a hand in those 'getting in trouble' episodes. Do you recall when -"  
  
Holly quickly looked out the window again and pretended not to hear.  
  
I couldn't resist just a LITTLE Fowl/Holly mush. Sorry everyone. It only happens once more. I swear there's no kissing. Between THEM anyway. Lol! 


	4. Chapter Four: The Cousins

Note to Jen if she's reading this: I feel better than John Brown. I feel better now. O.o everyone else, ignore that.  
  
Disclaimer: IT'S MINE IT'S ALL MINE AHAHAHAHA *gets K.O.ed* Okay, okay, bow to Tolkien and Colfer everyone. -_-  
  
Chapter Four: The Cousins Denver, Colorado, U.S.A:  
  
Artemis awoke in a low-ceilinged room, covers strewn about his feet. Slowly, he sat up, trying to remember why he wasn't in his own bed in Fowl Manor. Memory came streaking back, making him slump back onto his pillow; how he and Holly had bought tickets to the ocean liner, and from the shores of New Jersey taken a plane to Denver and bribed the clerk to let them stay at the hotel with a good three hundred dollars.  
  
The bedroom door was closed; Holly must have slept on the couch, for the other bed was undisturbed. Pulling on a fleecy beige bathrobe, he stalked out.  
  
A soft snore told him his companion had not yet risen. Holly was splayed on the couch, breathing lightly and gripping her buzz baton even in her sleep.  
  
Artemis shook his head and returned to his room, turning on his laptop. He paged through his web site, noting with satisfaction that the plans he had so painstakingly written had not accidentally downloaded.  
  
A few moments later, Holly appeared in the doorway, blinking tired hazel eyes. She came to watch as he typed in a small sentence:  
  
Current success.  
  
Examining the stitching on her kiddie overalls, the captain asked casually, "Are you going to get dressed and come have breakfast, or do I have to drag you downstairs in that bathrobe?"  
  
The mastermind allowed himself a rare grin. "Be careful. You're supposed to be my little sister, and if people see you bossing me around, they'll be worried."  
  
"Little sister indeed." Holly snorted and put her face up close to his, eyes narrowed to slits. "I'm six times older than you, Mud Boy. I don't care how you disguise it, I'm the one who's going to be bossing you around, and don't you forget it either. Do you want breakfast or not?"  
  
Artemis silenced her by jamming a floppy rainbow hat down over her eyes. She sputtered and pushed it up over her brows, causing the smash-pink tassel to flop down over her right eye. "I have to wear this?"  
  
"If you don't want to waste your magic shielding, then you ought to play the part of a little girl as thoroughly as you can," the teen said firmly, hiding a smile at the sight of the captain dressed as an extremely colorful child. "And that includes costume."  
  
She grumbled to herself and flipped the tassel to the back of her head. "Foaly would laugh himself sick if he could see me now."  
  
The mastermind snatched a few garments from his suitcase, ducking inside the bathroom to get dressed. He reappeared a moment later in a storm-gray blazer, white bow tie, and stiff jeans.  
  
Holly struggled to stop laughing. "Artemis, surely you're not going out in that?"  
  
He glared at her. "Americans wear jeans. I'll fit right in."  
  
"I know they wear jeans. It's the bow tie that gives you away. How many teenagers do you know exactly that go around on weekdays with ties?"  
  
Artemis was losing his patience. "Holly, of the two of us, remind me again which lives above ground?"  
  
The captain sighed. "Fine. Pretend you don't know me when we go down to breakfast, okay? And if anybody gives you odd looks, well, don't say I didn't warn you."  
  
The teen fumed. "Are you ready?"  
  
For an answer, the elf skipped out the door. Her companion sighed and followed her, though he did not take off the bow tie.  
  
Fowl Manor: Butler was in a panic. Artemis's bed was not slept in, and a thorough search of the grounds proved the teen to be gone. Even his laptop was missing, and it was protected so as to be untraceable.  
  
He finally informed Artemis Senior. Not the best idea. The man was not resourceful when in a panic, and was currently driving around bellowing for his son.  
  
It was turning out to be quite a day.  
  
Artemis smiled triumphantly at Holly as they left the hotel restaurant. "You see? Not a single person gave me 'odd looks'."  
  
The captain was still chewing on a rind of honeydew. She took a last nibble and tossed it into a trashcan. "You obviously weren't watching the waitresses, or the large family, or the group of tattooed men in the corner, or the thin wiry women with the toddler. Which was nearly everyone in the room. Did I mention the twin college students were staring at you too?"  
  
The teen deftly changed the subject, peering out their hotel room window to the large building across the street. "D'you want to go to the mall?" he asked lamely.  
  
Holly sighed. "Are you going to take off that bow tie?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, fine. What else is there to do above ground?"  
  
Artemis fished for an answer, but stopped as he realized it was a rhetorical question. The captain was already halfway out the door.  
  
They crossed the street together, nearly being run over by a Pepsi truck in the process; other than that, they entered the mall without great incident.  
  
A few minutes later, they took a seat on an iron-framed bench. Holly fingered the trunk of a fake potted tree next to them, watching a three- dimensional ad for cigarettes. Her eyes traveled up to the crystalline elevator, down to a store that seemed to feature low-necked autumn sweaters, and across a jewelry store. She looked horrified. "What have you done to the surface?"  
  
Artemis tried to dissuade her, but she was already up and running toward the nearest couple.  
  
"Shame on you, I thought you'd just polluted the earth, I didn't realize you had turned it into a - a -"  
  
The teen charged after her, clamping firm hands onto her shoulders. He looked apologetically at the bewildered people. "I'm terribly sorry, just my little sister, sort of, you know, hurt in the head -"  
  
He shooed them away and thrust Holly back onto the bench. "Don't DO that," he said through gritted teeth. "You can't go around telling everyone they're evil, you'll be arrested or something and then everyone will find out you're an elf - you're acting like an imbecile. Cut it out!"  
  
Holly nodded weakly. She stood up and led the way through the shops, taking in everything, the candy and food counters, the pet shops, the toy stores.  
  
Finally, they reached the last doorway (a very busy Target). Artemis took a seat in the movie aisle, watching two girls who were giggling over a film copy of The Return of the King.  
  
" '...began with the forging of the great rings...'"  
  
"Frodo is so cute!"  
  
"Gandalf was awesome... I seriously cried in the first movie when he died..." " '...so, Gandalf Grayhame thinks he's found the Lost King of Gondor... it matters not, the world of men will fall...'"  
  
"Christopher Lee played Saruman so well... anybody else would've bungled it..." "No kidding... Pippin was really sweet, though... 'mushrooms!'"  
  
The shorter one gradually became aware that they were being watched. She dug her elbow into the other's side, and they looked back at Artemis together before resuming their whispering.  
  
"Who's he?"  
  
"The little girl's cute..."  
  
"He looks about your height, Jen..."  
  
"Why do you think he's wearing a bow tie?"  
  
"A bow tie? On a weekday?"  
  
Holly smirked at the crimson mastermind from where she was examining a copy of Shrek.  
  
"What's your name?" Jen inquired of the elf. "You look like you're maybe, what, seven?"  
  
Artemis choked.  
  
"My name is Holly," said the captain, glaring up at the teenage girl before remembering that she was pretending to be little. "And yes, I'm seven. This is my... brother -" she made a face and waved her hand vaguely at the boy.  
  
"I'm Jennifer, and this is my cousin Tessa," the girl went on cheerfully.  
  
"I'm fourteen, and she's fifteen," Tessa put in. "We're cousins."  
  
"Our moms told us not to tell anyone our names while we're at the mall," Jennie remarked, looking up at the mastermind. "But you're my age, right? and nobody I know at fifteen would abduct someone." - Holly snorted loudly at this point, but the cousins ignored it - "Aren't you from my science class?"  
  
Mutely, he shook his head, and examined the girls with an expression close to bewilderment.  
  
Jennifer had brown-gold hair, light and sleek; in contrast, her cousin had a head of thick brown hair, with a tinge of auburn in the light. Both had storm-blue eyes, though Tessa's had a ring of gold around the pupil, and both were wearing tye-dyed blue shirts.  
  
The younger one sat cross-legged on the floor, watching the captain. She leaned forward, remarking, "You know, for brothers and sisters, you don't look anything alike -"  
  
She froze.  
  
"Her ears," she whispered, and dove for her copy of The Return of the King.  
  
Holly's eyes went wide with fright and she shielded hurriedly. Jennie sprang after Tessa and they stared at the movie together, referencing with a picture that Artemis could not see.  
  
"She has to be one -"  
  
"Not exactly your standard Legolas though..."  
  
Tessa put aside the movie and stared at Artemis. "That was an elf."  
  
"Explain yourselves," said Jennie.  
  
LOL cough. REVIEW! 


	5. Chapter Five: Long Explanations

Thank you dear reviewers! MWAHAHAHAHA I feel so special I got a review! YAY! O.o Don't worry this will get REALLY good soon.  
  
Disclaimer: I. Own. Me. No more.  
  
Chapter Five: Long Explanations  
  
Artemis tried hard to think of a good excuse. When a brief search of his cranium relinquished nothing, he stood and tried to casually walk away. Tessa barred his way, looking surprised at her own nerve but determined nonetheless.  
  
"Explain yourselves now," she hissed. "That was an elf, and she just vanished into the air. If you think that you can just walk away to leave us wondering, well, you're wrong."  
  
Jennie blocked his retreat, hands on hips. "We've been waiting for something exciting to happed to us for our whole lives," she growled. "And now it has. What's going on?"  
  
"Okay, okay," the mastermind sighed. "She was an elf. Can you let me go now?"  
  
"No," the cousins chorused, glaring at him on either side.  
  
Holly felt remorseful. She had just gotten her friend into a tight spot, and while she could just walk away unseen, she decided to stick it out. Besides, if these harebrained girls went for another witness, she could just vanish again.  
  
Root's going to kill me when I get back, she thought, and unshielded.  
  
Tessa was so surprised she sat down hard on the store carpet. Jennie swayed but stayed on her feet, gazing at the elf with something between reverence and awe.  
  
"It's true," she whispered, staring at the pointy ears that poked through Holly's auburn hair. "Tessa, just think; we're looking at an elf!"  
  
" 'Much that once was. is lost,'" the other murmured, following her gaze. " 'For none now live who remember.'"  
  
The captain blinked. This was not the reaction that she had expected.  
  
Suddenly Tessa transferred her eyes to Artemis, who was halfway to the revolving doors. He dove for them as he felt her eyes on the back of his neck, but Jennie charged after him and caught his arm.  
  
"I still want that explanation," her companion said, glaring at the boy with stubborn eyes. "How did you come to be traveling with an elf?"  
  
"He started it," said Holly calmly, seating herself on the aisle bench, "by kidnapping me three years ago."  
  
"He kidnapped you?" the older cousin gasped, releasing her hold on his arm immediately. She eyed him with horror. "That's. How could you even think of such a thing?"  
  
Artemis gave a long, exasperated sigh. Here we go again.  
  
The captain snickered at his expression before turning back to the story. "I was the first girl - ever - in the Lower Elements Police. All faeries live underground now, and I had gone up to the surface to chase down a stray troll."  
  
The criminal mastermind, intrigued, sat down on the floor with the cousins to listen. He hadn't heard this part before.  
  
".so Root sent me to complete the Ritual when I didn't have enough power even to shield."  
  
Tessa interrupted angrily. "You mind-wiped all those people?"  
  
"We had to," said Holly sadly. "Mud People don't believe in us anymore."  
  
The cousins traded outraged glances. "Oh, but they do!" exclaimed the other.  
  
"More than you knew at the time," smiled Artemis. The captain scowled.  
  
Jennie ignored the exchange. She leaned forward earnestly, staring at Holly. "We all do," she said softly. "Even Tessa and I did, though we're already teens. But children do too."  
  
Her cousin interrupted again, her eyes bright with an idea. The elf shivered; she was reminded uncannily of Artemis. But the girl was already talking.  
  
"If you just showed yourselves to the kids, then when they grew up most would remember you, and you could live on the surface again."  
  
"I suppose," said the captain doubtfully, though underneath her pessimism she felt a spark of hope. Was there really something to this inspiration? Her mind streaked back to that fatal night in the Italian restaurant, and the little boy who had avoided being mind-wiped. Did he remember her?  
  
Suddenly curious, she asked the cousins, "Do you live together?"  
  
They looked at each other and smirked. "We didn't used to," said Tessa. "A year ago, I lived in a town called Silver City, in New Mexico, and she lived in Dallas, Texas. But then, our parents moved, and now we live here in Denver together. Which was just awesome for us, of course."  
  
"Totally cool," beamed Jennie. She looked down at The Return of the King and gave a start, fumbling in her pocket for a wad of five-dollar bills. Holly looked curiously at the paper money.  
  
"We came to the mall to buy the movie," Tessa explained, following her gaze. "It's only just come out in stores, and we've been waiting forever. Jen, get the DVD, will you? .and I'll get the video."  
  
The girl nodded and took the items to the shop counter, where the clerk was staring at Artemis Fowl with a funny expression on her face. He scowled at her.  
  
Holly continued the story. "Artemis and his Butler had gotten hold of a Book. though where he got it, I have no idea," she added, glancing at the boy.  
  
He reddened. The story of the sprite in Ho Cho Minh City was not one he wanted to tell anymore.  
  
Jennie returned a moment later. The cousins sat appalled as the tale unfolded, casting wary looks toward the now scarlet teen from time to time. When the captain related how the boy had rescued his father from the Mafiya a year later, however, they exchanged awed glances.  
  
I'm sooooo jealous," sighed Tessa. "Imagine avoiding death by mere inches in a three-minute-period open fissure."  
  
"Or climbing on the roof of a radioactive train," added her cousin ecstatically.  
  
Holly and Artemis exchanged bemused looks.  
  
"Or attacking a two-thousand-strong army of goblins with two men at your back."  
  
"Or climbing through a tunnel of plasma."  
  
"Why doesn't this stuff ever happen to us?"  
  
"We lead such boring lives."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
"It's not fair!"  
  
"The most exciting thing that ever happened to me was. I don't even remember what it was!"  
  
"Falling into the lake at a miniature golf course and walking around with your mom's sweater for a towel?"  
  
"Either that or running around a public pool with my face painted... and then the accursed stuff wouldn't come off in the bathroom."  
  
Artemis snorted with laughter as the cousins continued their recollections.  
  
"Or watching the Lord of the Rings for the first time."  
  
"Or screaming and running away from that flying scorpion thing when we were in the hammock, and waking everybody up."  
  
"Or flinging a Harry Potter pillow into my eye."  
  
"That wasn't exciting. Imagine having an elf finger poking you in the eye!" Tessa added excitedly, thinking of Root and Holly's severed digit.  
  
The captain wasn't sure whether she should be amused, disgusted, irritated, or just bewildered. "You want to have an adventure?"  
  
"Oh yes," chorused the girls.  
  
The mastermind, also slightly surprised by their attitude, warmed to the two instantly. "It's been a while since I've had a new exploit," he mused. "I wouldn't mind something interesting to happen myself."  
  
"Why don't you come home with us?" suggested Tessa. "That would be exciting, or at least a little bit. we don't usually host criminals and elves. You wouldn't chance to have a dangerous quest to fulfill, would you?"  
  
"I'm running away from home," said Artemis flatly.  
  
Both looked unimpressed. "Is that all?" said Jennie. "We've done that loads of times." Her eyes misted over with laughter as she recalled their journeys.  
  
"Do you remember the time," began her cousin, staring wistfully into the distance, "that we climbed the fence into your neighbor's yard and kept going down to the street over all those fences?"  
  
"And the one at the end had a burglar alarm and we set it off?" The taller girl nodded. "I'd never seen so many policemen in my life. We were only grounded for two weeks for that one though. Remember when we got all the way across the highway at midnight and then you decided you wanted to go back?"  
  
"If I recall correctly, that was you. But then I made you keep going and we got all the way to our church!"  
  
"I think it was the other way around. But we both got grounded for a month anyway, in spite of which wanted to go back."  
  
The mastermind interrupted, an exasperated look on his face. "I think you've led pretty exciting lives, for teenage girls," he snorted. "Even though most of those tales are kind of lame."  
  
"I know," sighed Tessa. "It's awful. We do our very best to have a good time, and everybody else either gets mad or thinks we're insane."  
  
"At least we have fun."  
  
"True."  
  
"Very."  
  
"But we never got any magical experiences."  
  
"Dreadful, that."  
  
Artemis was getting tired of being left out of the conversation. Holly had wandered away some time ago, watching a television that seemed to be featuring the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  
  
"Listen, you two. What are our chances of seeing you again?"  
  
"Slim," said Jennie. "We leave for South Dakota on Sunday, and it's Thursday right now."  
  
The mastermind waved a hand airily. "I'll just fly up and meet you there, then. Meanwhile, tomorrow I'll look you up by the operator and... mebbe tomorrow?"  
  
They beamed. "Right."  
  
And hurried away.  
  
As they left, Artemis heard one say, "You know, I almost wish we hadn't wanted an adventure so badly..."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Mebbe one would've come sooner. Take Bilbo Baggins... you know, from The Hobbit... prequel to the Lord of the Rings... that seems more than a coincidence... "  
  
He shook his head in something close to despair and looked around for Holly.  
  
*  
  
Tell me what you think! PLEEEEEASE! 


	6. Chapter Six: A Moderately Normal Day

HI PPL! I felt generous today, so you get chapters 6 through 8, and 8 is the REALLY GOOD CHAPTER because we FINALLY GO TO MIDDLE EARTH! Ya, I take my time, huh? READ SLOWWWW!  
  
Disclaimer: ONCE AND FOR ALL, THIS IS NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!  
  
Chapter Six: A Moderately Normal Day  
  
When Artemis dialed the operator the next day, he received yet another taste of normality that extremely bothered him. A teen answered the phone, accompanied by music so loud the mastermind felt his ears pop.  
  
"YOU DRIVE ME CRAAAAZY," a woman shrieked, her voice box threatening to squeak. Artemis held the phone away from his ear, and Holly appeared to be suffering a bad case of hiccups. Whether she was laughing, he couldn't tell, because the song was overwhelming his senses.  
  
"Hello?" said a boy's voice.  
  
Artemis started as the distant yet deafening music was suddenly cut off. "Hello, sir," he replied, his ears still ringing. "Might you tell me the number of ma'ams Jennifer or Tessa Chumilka?"  
  
"???" said the boy.  
  
"Who is it?" yelled several people.  
  
"Some geek calling me sir and asking for the number of these two girls," he hollered back.  
  
Artemis blushed. Holly's hiccups were becoming severe.  
  
"Listen," shouted the boy into Artemis's ear, "who did you say you wanted?"  
  
The mastermind found himself turning the same color as Julius Root usually was. "The operator," he hissed.  
  
The boy said something Artemis could not remember ever hearing before and hung up.  
  
Holly finally stopped laughing and looked at her companion with an expression of innocence. "Do you think you got the wrong person?"  
  
"Hilarious," snapped the teen and punched in the correct number.  
  
When at last he got a hold of the two girls, some half an hour later, his temper was not improved as they chattered and laughed to each other. Moodily, he hung up, and sat pondering what to do.  
  
Having no better plan, he sighed and redialed. They were still talking.  
  
"Quiet!"  
  
"What?" Jennie snapped. "Oh, hi. You."  
  
"Me," said Artemis grimly. "Where do you live?"  
  
"So it wasn't a dream!" exclaimed one.  
  
"Duh," said the other.  
  
"QUIET!" said Artemis.  
  
There was a hush on the other line. "Jennie, give me the phone," Tessa ordered.  
  
(Sounds of a scuffle.)  
  
At last they remembered the mastermind. "We live in Denver," they chorused primly.  
  
"Ah," said the teen. If you talk for too long with these cousins, he thought, you begin to lose your marbles. "Where exactly?"  
  
"Alameda Avenue," said one.  
  
"A block from the river," said the other. "The house with the three aspens and blue fir in front."  
  
For once, Artemis was actually on top of the conversation with these two girls. "Right," he said importantly, taking charge as usual. "I'll drop by."  
  
"We'll say you're an exchange student from Ireland," said Jennie, immediately taking the leadership from him.  
  
"Looking for lodging," added her cousin enthusiastically, assuming the position of second in command as she detailed the other's plan.  
  
Artemis seethed. "Fine."  
  
"Bring the elf," ordered one.  
  
"You mean Holly," corrected Tessa.  
  
"I will. Bye."  
  
And he dropped the phone, not even bothering to turn it off.  
  
"I am so glad I'm not a girl," he mused. "It must be complicated."  
  
"Sooner or later, everybody says that," Holly said matter-of-factly, flopping down on the hotel bed.  
  
"Especially the LEP officers when I was on probation."  
  
"I see."  
  
"Actually it's not that awful. Those two make me wonder though."  
  
Artemis suddenly smiled. "I doubt that anybody could say otherwise. And yet... I like them."  
  
Holly chewed on that for a while.  
  
"Mud Boy?"  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"Don't wear your bow tie today, okay?"  
  
Artemis and Holly managed to find the public bus stop just as it was pulling away. They waited another twenty minutes to board the next one, and finally managed to climb through the sliding doors and sit down on the scratchy seats. Holly watched a man who was smoking with an unfriendly eye. He grinned and patted her head. "Hi, kid," he said. "What's your name?"  
  
Since Artemis was busy talking to what appeared to be a mathematics teacher, the captain decided to have a little fun. She drew herself up and glared at the smoker. "Our name is Ihollia Roxanne Lisabelle the Third," she fibbed, enjoying herself immensely. The man dropped his cigar.  
  
Artemis dragged her off the bus. "God, Holly!"  
  
They walked the rest of the way, Holly trying not to smirk as her companion stewed. The captain tugged his sleeve as they passed a house with three aspens and a blue fir in front. "This is it."  
  
He scowled heavily and led the way up the driveway. Loud chatter could be heard through the open window, and the noise of somebody singing. Through the window, the mastermind could see a young woman trilling a song as she folded laundry. He rang the doorbell.  
  
The voices stopped. Footsteps sounded; a moment later, Artemis found himself looking at the older girl, who stared down at him and smiled wryly at his silence. She finally spoke. "You look about Jen's age. May I help you? I'm Alison, her older sister."  
  
"Yes, I'm... well, I'm... yes, she is," stammered Artemis. Holly turned away to hide her wide grin as the boy swayed. "Could I see her please? And is Tessa here too?"  
  
"Um, yes, I think so." The girl turned, and the visitor took advantage of her distraction to step on the captain's foot as she sniggered. "Jennnnnnneeeeeeeeeee! Tessaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
Two teenage girls skidded into the hall. "Now what?" Jennie demanded, then spotted Artemis as she wrested a quilted pillow from her cousin's grasp. "Who's he?" she asked quite brightly and falsely.  
  
Alison frowned. "Don't you know him?"  
  
"We were going to say you were an exchange student... remember?" Tessa hissed at the boy.  
  
The three instantly started fighting as Alison and Holly watched, bemused. Finally, the young woman took the liberty of dragging her little sister out of the row by her coat, to which she responded by scowling. "It's obvious you've met before. Why is he supposed to be an exchange student?"  
  
"He... we wanted him to stay with us," Tessa confessed, watching Jen rub her neck and glare at her big sister, who ignored her.  
  
"I... see."  
  
"Don't tell Mom and Dad," Jennie pleaded, shooting a rebuking glance at her younger cousin. "He really is from out-of-state, and we want him to stay with us." She stopped short.  
  
"Who's owning up now?" the other accused.  
  
Artemis rubbed his temples. This was not working out well.  
  
Alison folded her arms, letting the girls babble. When at last they finished talking, she spoke sternly. "I don't care if he stays with us, as long as he leaves my stuff alone."  
  
("You wouldn't anyway," Tessa confided to their guests. "It's mostly makeup.")  
  
"But Mom and Dad are probably not going to be so easy to fool. Anybody who looks at you and listens to you will know you've met. Me... I'll support your story..."  
  
"Oh thank you Ally, you rule!"  
  
"Why don't you get your own house and we can stay there?"  
  
"I've told you and told you and told you, Jen, I spent all of my savings last year on a new car." Ally gestured at a silver Mercedes in the driveway. "And my college is right in town, so there's no point in moving out."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"AS I WAS SAYING, I'll support your story... IF you do my responsibilities for A. Whole. Month. One whole month, got it?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Fine."  
  
Holly stood nonplussed. "Responsibilities? Like what?"  
  
Ally, startled, looked at her. "Like feeding the dogs and washing the cars and dusting and cleaning and sweeping and scrubbing... What's with your ears?"  
  
Much later, Artemis was finally let inside. Holly walked behind him, and Ally behind her, who constantly watched her pointy ears. Jennie's explanation of "it's a genetic thing" was not satisfying in the least. The captain tried to ignore her.  
  
Meanwhile, the cousins conferred on how they were going to present the two to their parents.  
  
Alison listened, finally tearing her gaze from the relieved elf. "I already told you how to do it," she remarked.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Just tell them when they're not listening. Duh."  
  
The three teens considered and nodded. Jennie looked hard at the older girl. "Aren't you going to tell on us?"  
  
"Aren't you going to try to get out of doing my chores?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then yes, probably."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Jen, I told you. Do my chores and I'll help yours. Simple. If you don't keep your part in the bargain, I'll tell."  
  
Artemis watched bemusedly as the promise was sealed. He had never experienced such bargains with siblings or conspirators. And the sensation of being important was, in all respects, a very pleasant feeling.  
  
They stepped into the living room.  
  
*  
  
O.o that was longer than I expected. oh well! REVIEW! 


	7. Chapter Seven: New Revalations

K.. I reread this chapter and realized that it's sort of messed. Like this takes place in the early summer and I have Tessa carving pumpkins O.o Plus you're probably all thinking What is WITH the hummingbird. Just trust me okay? Read!  
  
Chapter 7: New Revelations  
  
The mastermind found himself being guided before he stood in front of two middle-aged women, both with slightly graying hair. One was clad in a coral sweater-she had pinned her still-brownish hair up with a silver fish barrette. Her facial features marked her as what could only be Tessa's mom. The other had curly hair, a large red sweater, and a light, stern voice. Obviously Jen's mother, from the thin waist to the solemn eyes.  
  
Meanwhile, Tessa's own eyes were dancing. She stood on tiptoe and whispered into Artemis's ear, softly so only he could hear.  
  
"Shhh, now don't say anything and Jennie will do the talking. We know what to do."  
  
The two mothers broke off their conversation and stared suspiciously at the three teenagers before them-Holly sat inconspicuously in the front hall, and Allison stood to one side. "Yes?"  
  
"Mom," said Jennie, "Where's Artemis going to sleep?"  
  
"Who?" Now both were staring.  
  
"Remember.That boy from church, in my science class? You said he could stay here for two days while his parents go back to Ireland on their cruise."  
  
"What?" Her mom was scowling. "I never-"  
  
"Oh, Mom, you talked to his parents last Sunday! You said it was fine!" Allison added her own illustrations as Jennie whispered to Tessa urgently.  
  
"No, I didn't!"  
  
"Yes you did!" The girls chorused.  
  
"His parents left this morning! He's been at the library getting out books and just got here a little while ago. Oh, you must remember his parents.The couple with the black and silver hair?" Tessa assumed an innocent face.  
  
"Can I contact them?" Tessa's own mother was rushing toward the phone.  
  
"Now, Kristin," the other said, wandering after, "his parents have already left on their cruise.surely we can house him for just two days."  
  
Kristin scowled. "Leah."  
  
The adult turned around and glowered down at them. Jennie almost smirked as her mom threatened, "If you're lying to me, Jen, believe me, I will find out. Now, lunch."  
  
The whole family gathered around the table. Through some miracle, Holly remained unnoticed; she helped herself to the fresh greens and bread that were passed from hand to hand.  
  
Suddenly Tessa gave a yelp and pointed at the window, her mouth bulging with pickles. "Look! An ORANGE hummingbird!" She dove for a Guide for North American birds, opening it up as Jennie excitedly joined her. The adults craned to see, and Ally actually stood up; Holly, caught by their excitement, raced after the cousins in a flurry of multicolored overalls.  
  
Artemis looked bemusedly at the picture thrust under his nose. It was a small and orange, a Rufous hummingbird.  
  
"What's so cool about this?" he muttered.  
  
"It's a hummingbird."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So?" Tessa gave him a look. "Don't you ever think about how awesome the colors of life are, these creatures that are painted green and purple and red, flying, pollinating, migrating across the world and totally unique?"  
  
"Tess," said Jennie, bored, "you're getting sentimental."  
  
The teen flushed. But Artemis looked out the window with bright eyes, and then sighed - the hummingbird was gone.  
  
And for some reason he felt unhappy.  
  
*  
  
Foaly, meanwhile, had been extremely lucky; Root so far had not returned to ask him about Holly. But his luck had run out.  
  
"She WHAT?" roared the commander, pinning Foaly to the Ops booth wall.  
  
The centuar tried a smile. "She. she."  
  
"WHERE IS SHE?"  
  
"Them."  
  
"Them who?"  
  
Foaly prised Root's fingers off his neck and trotted over to the computer. "Holly. Artemis Fowl." He typed in a few words under the search box. A green light scanned the screen, blinked, and immediately a data chart came up for CAPTAIN HOLLY SHORT.  
  
His mouth opened slightly. An O of surprise.  
  
"WELL?"  
  
"Shut up, Julius!" he snapped.  
  
The commander's mouth fell open too, his color darkening. Extremely put out, he strode over to watch behind the centaur's back.  
  
"Cross reference position with Artemis Fowl as witness," Foaly said to the machine, his brows knit with worry. So far he hadn't checked up on Holly, and the information was stunning. He hoped fervently his computers were lying, but the bare ink evidence on the screen was undeniable.  
  
It whirred and began downloading information. Even Root was silent now.  
  
Captain Holly Short  
  
Lep Officer  
  
Last seen by the People in Tara E1  
  
taking transport to Fowl Manor  
  
an original red-flagged building.  
  
Current position; Denver, Colorado,  
  
the United States of America,  
  
in company of two cousins and Artemis Fowl II  
  
Status; tired, dehydrated  
  
For more information, give password under file B 6.537  
  
"The nerve!" Root exploded. "Look at this - Last seen in Tara E1 - why, there must have been millions of elves there!"  
  
"Two cousins?" remarked Foaly worriedly. "Denver, Colorado?"  
  
They both looked at the computer.  
  
For more information.  
  
"Hmmm," muttered Foaly. "6.537?"  
  
Root leaned in until his nose was inches away from Foaly's. "Do you have file B 6.537?"  
  
"I run all files," said Foaly, and said the password.  
  
The screen shook as spots of light sparkled over it. The snow settled slo-o- owly and the two fairies leaned in to read:  
  
Degraded for revealing the existence of the People  
  
Foaly paled. This was not good.  
  
Not good at all.  
  
Who were these cousins?  
  
"Cross reference with cousins in Denver, Colorado," he said to the computer...  
  
*  
  
Tessa yawned.  
  
She, Jennie, Artemis, and Holly were all out in the backyard, the cousins sitting together in a gleaming white hammock. The captain was high in a cherry tree, breathing in the night air jubilantly; the mastermind was crosslegged in the grass.  
  
"Your mother's apple crisp is good," he commented, looking up at Tessa.  
  
She smiled. "Made from our own apples. Jennie spent a whole afternoon picking them, didn't you, Jen?"  
  
The other smirked. "That was when you had to reclean our whole room after the pumpkin carving. We'd forgotten the paper towel to put underneath the guts," she explained. "Stupid, huh?"  
  
Above them, Holly looked into the full moon, eyes bright. She felt slightly dizzy and wished there was an oak tree around - her power was beginning to wane. Or was it dehydration? Anxious, she shimmied down the tree and went for a water bottle.  
  
"And then my mom found a recipe for roasted pumpkin seeds, and we had to collect every single one of ours for her to try it," Jennie went on. "Those turned out disgusting."  
  
The captain took a sip of water and made a face. Mud Man chemicals everywhere. She wasn't that thirsty.  
  
Even so, as she put the bottle gently down, her knees shivered and folded. Holly sat disgusted on the ground. What sort of a wimp was she turning into? Even on the job LEP officers needed only a pint of water a week, for safety reasons - magic was disrupted by frequent toilet stops. And -  
  
Her head hit the ground very suddenly, and she blacked out.  
  
***  
  
Tessa looked over, saw the still figure, and she screamed.  
  
***  
  
Foaly's eyes became wide at the sudden gibberish that paged itself over the screen:  
  
Cousin names referenced Tessa and Jennifer Chumilka living in Denver Colorado together at ages 15 and 14, currently outside their immediate habitat with Artemis Fowl II age 15 and Captain Holly Short unconscious as of the immediate time.  
  
Referenced Captain is not available at the moment  
  
"Unconscious?" muttered Foaly. "Oh no."  
  
Artemis Fowl was, for once, using his brains for something legal; running a diagnosis out of pure memory.  
  
"Definitely no disease symptoms, no need of sleep, no need of food." he murmured, scanning the elf and prodding her hard. The cousins had loosened her collar and taken off her shoes, which apparently were supposed to help the tight breathing of an unconscious person. Jennie, meanwhile, had run for a glass of water; Tessa stood nearby, ready to bolt for anything he asked her for.  
  
Then the other cousin returned. Artemis looked at the glass of water she held and choked.  
  
----  
  
Yes. Well. Whaddya think? Pretty weird? Oh just wait till the NEXT one! 


	8. Chapter Eight: When You Wish Upon An Elf

I would not recommend reading this if you haven't read the Return of the King, because we enter Middle-Earth right in the middle of that book.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Eight: When You Wish Upon An Elf  
  
"So, out of curiosity," said Alison conversationally, five hours later, "why did you want Artemis to stay with us? Because it sounds sort of wrong from my point of view."  
  
"Ally!"  
  
"Jennie, I'm worried! You're not."  
  
Her little sister scowled so heavily Tessa thought her eyebrows would go down to her chin. "NO."  
  
The three looked down at Holly, still unconscious and sleeping fitfully in Tessa's bed. It was two in the morning; Artemis, after explaining that the People dislike Mud Man chemicals, had gone to bed on an air mattress in the den.  
  
Ally sighed. "So why."  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"Listen, Jen, I'm a bit concerned about you two. This kid is a perfect stranger, I nor Mom nor Aunt Kris have heard of him, and you bring him into our house as though he's your long-lost brother. Now his pointy-eared sis is unconscious because of Mud Man chemicals?! What the hell is going on?"  
  
The cousins exchanged glances, and then Tessa gave in. "She really is an elf," Tessa blurted, knowing she would pay later but not caring. "She was kidnapped three years ago by Artemis, and."  
  
Alison gave her a look that would have stripped paint.  
  
". she calls humans Mud Men and they live underground."  
  
The older girl rose with an irritated growl. "Spare me! Please, Tessa. I'm going to bed. And when you want to tell me the truth, feel free. Until then."  
  
She left, muttering something about "her sad family".  
  
Jennie looked out the window expressionlessly. Overhead, the full moon cast light on her upturned face. She let out a small sigh. "You made a mess of that one, Tessa," she said.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Somehow. I wonder if Ally's right."  
  
Tessa looked sharply at her cousin. "What?"  
  
"I mean. oh Tess, don't you think Middle-Earth would be better than this? Artemis is a kidnapper, and Holly would come up to Legolas's knee. It's like a primitive version of LOTR, and. well. guns instead of swords, LEP instead of the Dunaden. and no bad guy, unless you count Artemis, and I hardly do. We haven't even done anything yet."  
  
"Frodo didn't find out about the Ring until he was fifty."  
  
"How encouraging." The other heaved a discontent sigh.  
  
It was quiet for a while, and Holly didn't stir. Blue sparks were flickering over her skin like crazy, trying to revive their owner before it was too late. The cousins, of course, didn't know her condition was that serious, and both were looking out the window wistfully. Then one spoke. "Oh, Jennie, now you have me thinking about Middle-Earth. Lothelorien. the Shire. the Gap of Rohan."  
  
Whether by chance or some inner sense, Tessa's hand found Holly's as she raised her voice for emphasis. "I wish we were there right now!"  
  
Blue sparks flickered up her arm, and then the world turned over.  
  
A blur of color swept past them. Bitter cold winds, fringed with ice that stung the cousins' arms, swirled and settled into a hilly landscape with drifts of snow here and there.  
  
It was winter, and this was the Gap of Rohan.  
  
"Oh, my God," said one of the cousins. "Oh my God oh my God oh my God."  
  
Artemis stormed over almost immediately, wearing his beige bathrobe.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"  
  
"Ummmmmmmmmmmm." Tessa looked like she wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and stay there. "I. guess I. might. sort of. IwishedusintoMiddle- EarthandHollydidsomethingbutIdon'tknowwhatandIthinkwemightactuallybethereand . Oh, Artemis, I swear I didn't mean to!"  
  
Behind her, Jennie looked with shining eyes into the night sky. A shape moved in the snow at the edge of her vision, and she glanced at it. Her throat constricted.  
  
"You brought HER along?" she said to Tessa. "HERE?"  
  
Tessa blinked, looked, yelped, and said a very bad word that Jennie up until that moment hadn't thought her cousin knew.  
  
"ALLISON?"  
  
She stormed over, wearing a frown that was a mirror image of Artemis's.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"  
  
"We're in Middle Earth, something went seriously wrong, and we're trying to figure out how to get back," said Jennie rapidly. "So shut up or when we go back we'll leave you here for the Orcs to eat or take to Barad-dur or whatever it is they do."  
  
"Jennie!" Tessa yelped. "Do you think the Quest is still going on? We could meet Frodo!"  
  
"That," said Jennie after a moment's thought, "is the least of our problems."  
  
"Problems? How can you be thinking of problems? This is FRODO!"  
  
Alison pinched herself. Nothing happened.  
  
"Jennieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she wailed. "WE'RE IN MIDDLE EARTH!"  
  
Artemis rubbed his temples and turned slightly. "Holly, whatever you did, would you please - Holly?"  
  
There was no answer. Tessa had sent them into Middle Earth by elf magic, but the elf was still in the United States.  
  
They couldn't go back.  
  
Shivering with combined nerves, horror and cold, Alison peered about her with a critical unforgiving eye. Snow and sleet was coming down in torrents, and there was no shelter visible.  
  
"We may as well go somewhere," Jennie pointed out when her older sister complained, and set off in the direction of the moonrise.  
  
"Jennie!" Tessa caught up with her and pulled her back. "East is Mordor. We can't go that way."  
  
"Now she tells me."  
  
"Let's go south. To Gondor."  
  
"Or west to the Sea."  
  
"Or north to the Shire!"  
  
"No, that takes us into Fangorn and that in turn to Isengard or the northern gates of Moria. Why couldn't you have sent us to the Shire?"  
  
"Be thankful I didn't mention the dead marshes."  
  
Jennie growled deep in her throat. "What are we going to do?"  
  
"I vote Gondor. Mordor, the Sea, and Isengard do not appeal to me somehow."  
  
"Tessa, you know what I mean. How are we going to get home?"  
  
The other rolled her eyes in exasperation. "You wanted Middle Earth. This is Middle Earth. And despite all our doubts, we are IN Middle Earth. What is the problem?"  
  
Ally's lower lip was trembling. "No food, no water, no warmth, no shelter, no transport, no guide, no help, no civilization. All we have are Orcs, cold, two useless cousins, one dumb guy, and all the snow in the world."  
  
"And you, of course. It's lucky we have you to help us think of a plan," Jennie said sardonically. "Shut up a minute, okay?"  
  
Artemis, who had been standing nearby, glowered at the lot of them and pulled his bathrobe tighter about him. Tessa noticed his scowl and glared right back. "Well, genius, have you thought of a plan?"  
  
"Yes," he answered. "Simple. Holly will recover, summon the forces of the LEP, and they and their magic will find a way to get us back. In the meantime."  
  
".in the meantime," said Tessa looking behind him, "we have company."  
  
A swordpoint leveled Artemis's chin up. He almost yelled for Butler, and then remembered; Butler wasn't there.  
  
"Mani naa essa en lle?" said a gruff voice behind him.  
  
Jennie almost squealed at her first sight of a real Rohan rider! but restrained herself. "Heru en amin, lye naa lle nai. I am Jen Megiltura, this is my cousin Tessa Ita'istar, and my sibling Alison Whitestar. That is our kinsman Artemis Elandili."  
  
The Rider of Rohan hid a smile at her atrocious accent. "Indeed. My own name is Haraj, Captain of the Mark. Follow me."  
  
"Where will you take us?" Artemis folded his arms obstinately.  
  
"To the White Tower."  
  
And then something struck Artemis full in the face, something that wasn't physical, it was an emotional blow that almost drove him to his knees; he remembered reading J. R. R. Tolkien as a young boy and wishing that he could go to the White Towers, and now here he was because of these cousins, these cousins brought me here, what am I doing here, this isn't real, can this be real?  
  
He looked up into the emotionless eyes of Haraj, and he was afraid. The shivers that crackled over his spine at the beginning of an adventure almost crippled him now, and he was disgusted with himself, but this was a whole other world, what good was a mastermind here? How would he ever get home to Butler and Mother and Artemis Fowl Senior - my dad - and even if he did go back, would it ever be the same knowing that it was real, this other world was really real, and maybe it was their real that wasn't real -  
  
The cousins, though he didn't know it, were experiencing the same thing. This was Middle Earth, this was their dream, and somehow it wasn't at all like their dream; and though none of them knew it, they would be part of a tapestry larger than any they had woven in their minds, and they would be the four main threads.  
  
Tessa also looked at Haraj. She was frowning. "Where are the White Towers?"  
  
"The way I have come."  
  
Allison pouted, an expression unbecoming to the young woman she was. "What makes you think we want to go?"  
  
Haraj raised his eyebrows, and immediately a host of other riders appeared over the crest of the snowy hills. He called for four horses loudly and looked back at the quartet. "What makes you think you have a choice?"  
  
*  
  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the mush between me and Frodo isn't as NEAR as bad as it is in real life. Like when I went to see TTT there was this little fifth grader next to me and when Frodo walks up to the Ringwraith she was like "stupidhead." I turned around and I was like, DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY TO MY FRODO! 


	9. Chapter Nine: Towers of Gondor

Ooh. This is a long one. Thank you to my reviewers!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Nine; Towers of Gondor  
  
"I know I shouldn't ask," Tessa remarked after several minutes trying to mount a bareback horse, "but how on earth do you manage this?"  
  
The horse snorted loudly.  
  
"I mean there's no handholds and if you grab its mane it bites you." Tessa eyed her bleeding wrist unenthusiastically. "Besides which it's about as tall as me."  
  
Artemis was having much the same problem. Alison, being extremely tall, was sitting uncomfortably on a quarter horse; Jennie straddled a pony that seemed to be rounder than it was tall. Her thighs were stretched almost unbearably apart. Her cousin hid a grin and looked back at her own mount.  
  
"Let me on? Please?"  
  
It stepped backward and narrowly missed her foot. She jumped.  
  
The mastermind nearby was going for the run-and-leap-method. His black mare whinnied as he collided with her side, one leg caught over her back. Painfully he hung there for a split second before slamming to the ground.  
  
Rubbing his inner thigh and flinching continuously at the sprained muscles there, Artemis complained to the nearby Riders of Rohan, who were laughing so hard they were almost doubled over. "I thought this was supposed to be easy!"  
  
"It's obvious you have never ridden a horse before. We will have to carry you lest you break our steeds." Haraj was scowling.  
  
"Well, corrals are much safer; their horses have saddles." Tessa swung her leg high, hooked it over the horse's back, and hoisted herself up, grabbing at the blue roan's neck. His ears went flat, but Tessa beamed; she was astride a horse!  
  
Artemis flushed as two Riders helped him onto the coarse back. Haraj with a relieved sigh ordered them to move out.  
  
A few minutes later, he looked back. Tessa was kicking her horse's ribs desperately, Artemis was yelling things like GEE-UP in utter embarrassment, Ally's horse had decided to go the other direction, and Jennie's was grazing unconcernedly.  
  
She covered her eyes. "God this is embarrassing."  
  
"No kidding," said Tessa, digging her heels in hard.  
  
Famous last words. The horse reared.  
  
*  
  
Four hours later, the quartet arrived in Gondor.  
  
*  
  
Tessa looked with wide eyes at the mother-of-pearl pillars around her as she wandered disbelievingly over the threshold of Gondor. Guards clad in the colors of the Mark mulled around, eying the cousins' garments suspiciously.  
  
"Why did you take us here? Aren't you Riders of Rohan?"  
  
Haraj gave her an exasperated look. "The Red Arrow has been sent to us. Theoden had us ride forth. Aragorn son of Arathorn has ridden to war!"  
  
Jennie and Tessa squealed. "He has? He did? When? Yesterday? When will he be back? Is Legolas with him? Is Pippin here? Is Merry? Where are the hobbits? Where's Legolas?"  
  
Artemis stuffed his hands in his bathrobe pockets and concentrated on not snickering.  
  
The cousins looked at each other and squealed again. "You mean we're HERE right NOW? What a perfect time! Thank you Holly wherever you are! Has the Ring been destroyed yet?"  
  
Haraj looked at them suspiciously. "You should not speak so lightly of the matters beyond your comprehension."  
  
Jennie snorted loudly. "I've read the books ten times!"  
  
The Rider of Rohan raised his eyebrows.  
  
Tessa cut in hurriedly. "Where in the books ARE we? Like is Pippin still here?"  
  
"Peregrin Took," Haraj said, obviously beginning to be annoyed, "is at the House of Healing, for his companion Meriadoc Brandybuck is sorely wounded."  
  
The cousins looked at each other. Tessa sighed. "That's where we are. Okay, that works. Take us to the House of Healing please."  
  
"You know them?"  
  
Alison managed to keep a straight face. "Let us say they have encountered them before and delighted in the meeting. But this will be their first reunion in Gondor. Or Middle-Earth for that matter."  
  
Haraj glowered. "Speak not in riddles. We have enough to puzzle out."  
  
" 'Seek for the Sword that was Broken, in Imladris it dwells,'" Tessa sang, skipping ahead as the Captain of Rohan led them to the House of Healing.  
  
Artemis caught up with their guide and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry. These cousins make everyone they talk to feel like they're losing their marbles."  
  
"Marbles?"  
  
Artemis rolled his eyes and gave up.  
  
*  
  
Holly woke, surprisingly more tired than she had been to begin with. Her power was almost completely gone. And so, she noticed, were the cousins.  
  
An uneasy feeling stirred in her gut. Laboriously, she climbed from the bed and left the house, her mind focused on one blurred thing. Fumbling around her neck as she knelt on the lawn, she broke open a sphere of dirt and caught the acorn as it tumbled from its enclosure. She wedged it into the dirt.  
  
Power seared through her, making her feel better. The captain staggered to her feet, dehydration replaced by a feeling of strength. But no sooner had she stood up than a gloved hand struck her to the ground.  
  
"HOLLY!"  
  
Captain Kelp's familiar voice instantly banished the terror that had leaped into her throat.  
  
"Trouble? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Foaly sent a Retrieval team as soon as he realized you were unconscious." Captain Kelp apologetically helped her to her feet after running a systems check on her with a scan bar. "Sorry it took us so long, Holly. Some T.V. satellite spotted us and there was mass mind wiping to be done. A crisis might have been prevented had we hurried." His eyes darkened.  
  
"But I'm fine. I completed the Ritual and my power is back." Holly tried to console him.  
  
"Not that! Those cousins, Artemis Fowl, and the other girl, what's-her- name, Alison."  
  
"They're here too."  
  
Trouble tried hard to keep from shrieking. "No, Holly. Tessa wished on your unsupervised magic, and it came true. All four are in a world that's not supposed to exist."  
  
Holly blinked. "And that's bad?"  
  
"It's never happened before! We have no idea what to do!"  
  
"Foaly can -"  
  
"Foaly is clueless. Their chances of coming back alive are one in a million, Holly!" Trouble slumped on the ground next to her. "When I think of what we could have stopped had we hurried -"  
  
Holly shook her head, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. "No, there's a way to save them.  
  
"There has to be."  
  
Behind them, the rest of the Retrieval team landed and stored their helmets away, breathing in the night air jubilantly. Had either of the cousins' moms been awake, she would have found the scene unusual. But thankfully enough they were both asleep. Or so the elves thought.  
  
Trouble looked away from Holly's anxious features and bellowed at the others. "Come on, we have to get this time-stop set up and take Holly back underground. It's already about midnight. Move!"  
  
The team worked hurriedly. Captain Kelp spoke into his mouthpiece rapidly as the time-stop elevated discs were set. "Foaly, are you ready?"  
  
Holly grabbed a helmet and fit the mouthpiece to her size. She interrupted Trouble. "Foaly, I can't go back underground! Not now!"  
  
"Sweetheart, you have no choice if you want to save Fowl. We need your magic to do a trace. Hopefully you haven't replenished it yet."  
  
Holly groaned, giving him her answer.  
  
"Well, we'll just need more magic than usual." Foaly's disappointment was clear in his normally buoyant tones. A keyboard rattled under his fingertips in the background, and the time-stop blossomed over the house in a milky dome. "You were going to have to come back anyway. How's that, Trubs?" he asked, deftly changing the subject. "Is that the best time-stop you've ever seen or what?"  
  
"Ummm, yeah -"  
  
"But Foaly," Holly protested.  
  
Root's voice boomed over the speaker. "No buts, Captain. You get down here on the double and no solo life-saving this time, okay? This is all your fault! None of this would have happened had you followed my orders! Now GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I THROW YOU ON DRAIN DUTY FOR THE NEXT CENTURY!"  
  
"Thanks for the confidence booster." Holly cut off his scathing reply by flicking the power switch, feeling peeved. Root was right. This was her fault. Artemis Fowl somehow pulled her into trouble every time. But this time, she would have to pull him out, is she wanted him to survive.  
  
The Retrieval team was moving out. Trouble grabbed her wrist and yanked her along. "Come on, Holly, we only have eight hours!"  
  
*  
  
Foaly looked up as a group surrounded the Ops booth doors. Root was too busy reading a pod surveillance report to notice until the centaur drove his elbow into the commander's ribs. He yelped and spent a few moments working himself into a rage before actually seeing the reason for his new bruise. "Oh. Holly?"  
  
The captain reluctantly entered the booth. Foaly hid his grin at her multicolored Mud Child garb by hastily turning to his laptop. "Good. You're alive. We thought that your power drainage might have downed your statistics, but apparently you're still kicking."  
  
"I kick pretty hard, Foaly, so you might want to watch what you ask for." Holly had guessed the reason for his wide grin and scowled down at her overalls.  
  
Root was smiling too. "Any ideas on how we're going to save Artemis Fowl, Foaly? New ones, not the ones that you've rejected for their complete lack of intellect?"  
  
Despite the stinging insult, Foaly sobered immediately. "Well, Julius -"  
  
Moderately sobered, that is.  
  
"seeing as you're on a time limit, the easiest way would be to track something of theirs. From there -"  
  
"Cell phone!" Holly's eyes lit up. "Artemis Fowl always has his cell phone."  
  
"Do you have the number?" Root asked Foaly, who was already typing a message.  
  
"I have all numbers," said Foaly, and sent the message.  
  
*  
  
Eip. Five pages on Microsoft Word. o.0 


	10. Chapter Ten: Many Meetings

I know this sounds stupid but *flinch* I got the chapter names wrong. So THIS is Many Meetings and Chapter Nine was SUPPOSED to be Towers of Gondor. So I'll go fix that now, and you can read.  
  
Btw, you guys are AWFUL reviewers, if it wasn't for bride_of_arty(lister)() you would NOT have gotten this chapter, because she was my ONLY reviewer so far for Chapter Nine. (grumbles) Pooper scoopers.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Ten: Many Meetings  
  
Tessa and Jennie stood in the doorway of the House of Healing, flabbergasted. The sunlight poured in through the intricately carved roof, illuminating each bed. They were filled with tall burly men, while nurses ran back and forth with primitive medicines. One, however, they were avoiding; a bed that seemed to be occupied by an adolescent boy. Another sat on a stool nearby, stroking the limp hand and talking animatedly, even though the patient was obviously unconscious.  
  
The cousins knew him all too well.  
  
Now that the MOMENT had come, however, they were hesitant. "He looks like Billy Boyd," Tessa whispered, "but more real. Jennie, I'm scared."  
  
The other grasped her hand and pulled her forward. Artemis and Alison lounged in the doorway, watching as the two stumbled up to Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Um, hi?"  
  
Pippin looked up, his face tight with anxiety for his friend. Tessa tried not to squeal, but did anyway as Jennie stepped backward onto her toe.  
  
"Tessa Ita'istar at your service," she said, and being unsure as of whether to bow she dipped her head.  
  
"At yours and your family's." Pippin did not seem to approve of her "head- dip." "Why have you come to see me?"  
  
"Long story," Jennie replied. "Jennie Megiltura at your service."  
  
"At yours and your family's. Peregrin Took. Most people call me Pippin."  
  
Tessa scowled, furious that her cousin had gotten a warmer response. She regretted her "head-dip"; what an undignified thing to do at the MOMENT, the moment when she first MET a HOBBIT!  
  
Artemis snickered from his position in the doorway, guessing her thoughts.  
  
Tessa immediately tried to gain ground over her cousin. "Merry is very sick, isn't he," she remarked, looking down at the still figure whose icy hand lay open on the coverlet. Pippin stiffened at her words. "How brave of him to stab a Nazgul. I'm sure I would never measure up to that."  
  
He relaxed at her praise. "How do you know him?"  
  
"Long story," Jennie repeated, drawing the hobbit's attention. A smile flickered around her lips as she gained further ground over her cousin. Tessa scowled again, but Pippin turned back to her. "Have you been here long?"  
  
"No," the cousin retorted. It was Jennie's turn to scowl as Tessa detailed the Riders of Rohan. "These towers are majestic, but I think I prefer the Shire overall."  
  
"The Shire!" Pippin's attention left Merry wholly as he leaned forward eagerly. "You've been there? Have you hobbit blood?"  
  
"No," Tessa said regretfully to the latter question. "And yes, the Shire is beautiful." She began to detail it, and gave Pippin a walk-through of Bag End, to which he listened as hungrily as if he had never seen it.  
  
"The memories are all too dim," he said sadly. "You both must help me remember. O the Shire! O dearest Shire! Whitest water, merry fire; and of friends you never tire." he recited, half to himself.  
  
"The Withywindle, and the Party Tree," Jennie murmured. She gave a start and shook her head. "No, the Party Tree was cut down." She flinched and Tessa covered her mouth hastily.  
  
"It was?" Pippin looked incredulous.  
  
She groaned. "That, again, is a long story."  
  
Pippin looked thoughtful and stared into the distance. Jennie looked over at Tessa. "Do you think we could do any worse with this?"  
  
"I bet you could," Artemis drawled, sitting down next to them. He looked down at Merry and blanched. "Guy needs a haircut," he remarked quietly. "And some medical care."  
  
"Yeah, Aragorn should come in to save him about now."  
  
"Not until Pippin goes to get him." Tessa crossed her arms.  
  
"That's not how it goes!"  
  
"Yes it is!"  
  
"No it's not!"  
  
"Huh?" Pippin snapped out of it. "I'm sorry. I was distracted." He flashed an apologetic grin.  
  
Tessa jumped in before Artemis or Jennie could stop her. "Merry is fatally ill. I have seen these wounds before -"  
  
"Oh whatEVER!" Jennie scowled. Tessa ignored her.  
  
"- and at this point only Aragorn heir to Isildur could save him.'  
  
"Strider?" The hobbit looked down at Merry with fear in his eyes. Jennie wanted to say There's gullible written on the ceiling - just to see his reaction - and couldn't resist.  
  
"What?" The hobbit looked up.  
  
Tessa shot Jennie a ha-ha look. "Never mind. Aragorn needs to be found before both Eowyn and Meriadoc die, Pippin!" She immediately looked around to see if she could spot Eowyn, having only just remembered her. She couldn't. Oh well.  
  
Without further ado, the hobbit sped from the room.  
  
Tessa smiled primly. "You see? I just saved a life."  
  
"Oh whatEVER!" Jennie scowled again, feeling envious. Then she grinned. "Maybe I'll save Frodo."  
  
Tessa grinned back and put on a Pippin face. " 'I'm sorry. I was distracted.' Ha! I just bet he was!"  
  
Jennie was laughing. "Did - you see - his face when I told - him there was - gullible on the ceiling?" Tessa started laughing too.  
  
Suddenly they both realized the room was silent and shut up. All the nurses of Gondor looked at them with frightened/disgusted faces.  
  
Tessa smiled weakly at them. "Do you know where we can get something to eat?"  
  
Jennie started laughing again. Artemis hid behind the sickbed to avoid the stricken stares of both doctor and patient.  
  
"This," he grumbled to himself, "is going to be a loooong day."  
  
And that was when his cell phone rang.  
  
He fished it from his bathroom pocket, flinching at the sound, which would appear so alien to these primitive peoples. Artemis snapped it open and held it gingerly to his ear. What if it bombed or something in this non-electric environment?  
  
"FOWL!" roared an all-too-familiar voice. He groaned.  
  
"Commander Root, sir."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"  
  
"Tell him that's the third time I've heard that phrase today," Tessa moaned, and crawled under the bed. Artemis grinned at her.  
  
"I'M WAITING, FOWL," the voice bellowed, sending the boy's ears into intense, immeasurable pain.  
  
"Actually, sir," Artemis said, stressing the last word ever so slightly to create another satisfying explosion from the other end, "Tessa did it."  
  
"And who is this blockhead?" Root's voice was dangerous.  
  
"Tell him to lower his voice," Tessa said from under the bed. "I can hear every word he says about me."  
  
Artemis stuck his head under the bed frame to look at her. "I doubt he cares."  
  
"I don't," said Root loudly. "Let me talk to this Mud Girl."  
  
"Hey!" Tessa yelled from under the bed. "That's RACISM!"  
  
  
  
* Back underground Julius Root rubbed his temples. Foaly smirked at him. "Don't you just love family time?"  
  
"I'm going to strangle those cousins."  
  
"Is that nice, Julius?"  
  
"Foaly, I'm going to."  
  
*  
  
Artemis listened to the threat with half-closed eyes. Suddenly his eyebrows went up. "I say, Commander, that's a bit strong."  
  
Root ignored him. "Are you going to let me talk to her?"  
  
"For the sake of my eardrums," Tessa confided to Jennie, "I hope he doesn't."  
  
Artemis extended the cell phone. She took it gingerly.  
  
A moment later she said something rude and hung up. The mastermind blinked as she gingerly handed the cell phone back. "I think I'm going deaf."  
  
About that time they realized the whole of the House of Healing was staring at them, and Aragorn and Pippin were in the doorway.  
  
*  
  
Alison had fled the scene a little while ago. She wandered down the winding hallway, and stopped a passing servant to ask where the bathroom was. The maid handed her a chamber pot and left.  
  
She took it by the handle, holding it away from her. It stunk.  
  
"Ewwwwww."  
  
Alison felt her bladder begin to swell as the pressure within rose several degrees. Completely grossed out, Alison stepped into a closet nearby and.  
  
((A/N Okay, so maybe some of us DON'T grow out of our bathroom humor.))  
  
*  
  
Aragorn was busily trying to cure Merry, Pippin standing anxiously nearby. The cousins had shut up a few minutes ago; the threat of not attending supper that night was more than enough to make them be quiet. The Elfstone looked up at the Master of Healing.  
  
"Do you have the athelas plant?"  
  
He bowed, smiling primly. "I will go and look in our storage closets."  
  
(Dun dun dun dun)  
  
*  
  
Alison covered her mess with an odd sort of weed stocked in abundance in the closet. It had beautiful white flowers all over it and was fragrant enough to. cover the smell. She had just started to pull up her pants when the closet door swung open to reveal a startled stocky man.  
  
"Don't you KNOCK?" she shrieked.  
  
The Master of Healing scuttled away to inform Aragorn there was no athelas in the house at all. That wasn't occupying the chamber pot at any rate.  
  
Alison followed furiously, trailing a sprig of white flowers from the waistline of her jeans.  
  
*  
  
Please review! I know this chapter is a little pitiful but hey. *I* found it amusing. You sort of have to know Alison to get the humor. And haven't any of you ever wondered WHY there wasn't any athelas in the House of Healing? So anyway. REVIEW! 


	11. Chapter Eleven: A Healing and a Quest

You know something, I love this chapter.. Thing are getting REALLY good. Example; THE PLOT BEGINS AT LAST! Lol! Well actually, the plot sort of already HAS begun, but see, NOW the Quest begins.  
  
AND, on top of that, we meet LEGOLAS! YAY!  
  
So yeah. Read! AND REVIEW!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Eleven: A Healing and a Quest  
  
Tessa and Jennie watched as Aragorn crushed the leaves of the athelas under Merry's nose. Alison, flushing embarrassedly, fished around in her pant cuffs for another few sprigs to hand to this "raggedy cute guy" as she later put in her journal. But that's another story entirely.  
  
Aragorn took the flowers from her and began crushing them too. Alison watched him with Arwen rapture.  
  
Jennie sniggered.  
  
"Love is in the air." she warbled quietly.  
  
Alison shut her up with a murderous glare.  
  
Tessa grew bored of the rowdy fight that followed, and had begun humming stanzas of LOTR to herself. " 'When the cold of winter comes, starless night will follow da-ay."  
  
Everyone in the room froze at the music, color fading rapidly from the fantasy creations. She shut up.  
  
The motion returned to the House of Healing. "This just keeps getting better and better," she said to herself, smiling as she began to devise a way to freeze Frodo long enough to kiss him.  
  
Jennie looked askance at her cousin, who was muttering things like "I've never tried to kiss something and hum at the same time. I wonder if it's hard?" She practiced for a moment on her knuckles and sighed. "It is. Dangit!"  
  
Artemis was laughing hysterically. Hardly the picture of a criminal mastermind.  
  
"You shut up," Tessa said to him. "Even if you don't think Frodo's cute, you might take notes for, say, Arwen."  
  
Aragorn looked up with murder written all over his face. "What did you say?"  
  
The girl paled. "Eh? Um, what? I wasn't, I mean, you, well." She backed away and muttered in Jennie's ear, "Boy. I'm glad FRODO doesn't have a lover. It could get bloody, huh?"  
  
Artemis edged away from Aragorn, who was glaring daggers at him. "Hi there."  
  
The heir of Gondor drew his sword. "This is the sword that was broken! Will you aid me or thwart me? Choose swiftly!"  
  
Merry chose this opportune moment to recover.  
  
"Oh God," Jennie murmured as, through the flashes of one-sided swordplay, she caught the terrified glances of two hobbits. Merry and Pippin looked positively mystified. Artemis ducked under their sickbed to avoid Aragon's whistling sword, and the hobbits were very nearly decapitated.  
  
Alison laid a consoling hand on the Elessar's arm. "Airy, dear, it's okay."  
  
Jennie laughed so hard she hurt her throat. "Did you just call him AIRY?! OMG!"  
  
Eowyn took this opportune moment to recover.  
  
*  
  
"Geez," remarked Tessa, nursing a sprained wrist that had been numbed by athelas, "I never knew crushes on book characters could be so BLOODY. Did you see how they froze when I hummed LOTR again? That gave me such great ideas."  
  
It was half-an-hour later, and the four (Artemis, Alison, Jennie, and Tessa) were walking away from the House of Healing with relief. Jennie sported a bloody nose, Artemis was limping slightly, and Alison had black/blue marks around her eyes from where Eowyn had socked her.  
  
She muttered some inappropriate language as she hobbled along; "evil possessed shieldmaiden, trying to decapitate me with the eep eep mop." ((A/N The particular word that she used at that moment was too obscene to put into a PG/13 fic just so you know. yeah.))  
  
Jennie ignored her and looked to the East, where swirling masses of ominous black cloud lay thick and foul. Noise of war could be heard from far-off, signaling the end of a battle.  
  
Tessa nudged Ally with her good arm. "Jolly good Arwen wasn't there, eh, my dearest Airy Fan?" She snickered at the pun.  
  
Artemis scowled at them and rubbed his leg, flinching at the needles of pain that shot up his leg. "If Holly could see me now." he grumbled.  
  
A voice interrupted them. "I was sent to inform the people of Gondor that Theoden has fallen. Bear the tidings, children."  
  
"Excellent," said Tessa before she remembered to shut up, "things are moving along nicely then."  
  
"Are you in league with Saruman, then, to be glad at such news?" The voice showed cold disapproval.  
  
"No," Jennie said to Legolas, "she's just a blockhead."  
  
She froze.  
  
Tessa froze.  
  
Alison froze.  
  
All three girls turned and looked at the fair-haired elf who stood casually behind them, dark brows arched, hair blown in wisps by the wind, arms loose at his slender body, arrows gleaming over his shoulder.  
  
"A Elbereth," Tessa whispered.  
  
The slightest, barest hint of amusement played over his lips.  
  
The three smiled back warmly, cued by that small flicker. "Hi," they breathed in exact unison. "My name is, um, my name. our names. are."  
  
Despite obvious effort, a broader grin appeared on his face, but he turned away to spare them further embarrassment and spoke to the air. "I have been requested by Gandalf the White to search for four young ones by names of Alison, Artemis, Jennifer and Tessa. Does that help you recall your fair titles?" Laughter was in his voice, but the girls were far too intoxicated by his reality to notice or care.  
  
"Um." Jennie was aware she sounded like an imbecile, but ignored it. "Yeah. That's us."  
  
"Oh? Follow me."  
  
"Oh God. Not more torture," Tessa moaned softly to herself. First Pippin, then Aragorn, now this. If Frodo appeared, she would disintegrate.  
  
" 'Legolas Greenleaf long under tree, In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Sea! If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore, thy heart shall then rest in the forest no more.'" Jennie's eyes were big as saucers.  
  
Legolas turned sharply. "Who are you to know of this prophecy?"  
  
"We, uh, wewe. We see the future," Tessa babbled. "That's why, when, when you died Theoden said, uh, I mean said Theoden died, I didn't, we um, wewe."  
  
Artemis buried his face in his hands and told himself he wanted to go home. Badly.  
  
*  
  
Fifteen minutes later, a Legolas with a headache led the four into a Gondor styled room, where an exhausted, sweaty, blood-streaked Gandalf looked at them. His white robes were untouched by the fray of war, but his hands were mangled by the careless sweep of an enemy sword, and his eyes held the look of someone who has walked through the fires of hell.  
  
"Well."  
  
This inadequate word, awkward coming from the throat of a Maiar, expressed worlds to the four.  
  
"It wasn't MY fault," Jennie said hastily, before he could frame someone.  
  
Gandalf gave her such a world-weary look that she shut up. This was a Gandalf she had never seen in the movies; the realness of fire, death and destruction, mingled with the lifeblood of Middle-Earth, etched into those eyes; centuries of pain carved into that ancient face.  
  
Tessa's throat caught; a whimper that everyone heard. But her voice was steady. "It was me."  
  
"I know. I know what you have done and I know that you can not erase it. Look at you!" His voice held unimaginable scorn. "Clothed like rag dolls, knees bare, robes thick and clumsy. Maybe my eyes deceive me. Perhaps you are a vision sent to torment me."  
  
Artemis scowled furiously.  
  
"But." Gandalf softened. "You are real people from your own time, normal in that age no doubt."  
  
Alison snickered as the other three purpled.  
  
"And we may find you invaluable in the war of the ring."  
  
Tessa cast a shy glance at Legolas, who stared fixedly ahead. He wasn't going through that again, oh no. "Perhaps," she said, to herself more than to the others.  
  
Gandalf leaned forward in his chair. His voice was so firm, it might have been solid granite. "I am the White Rider. I was slain by fire and born again in ice, beneath the sky that will never cease to exist. My road goes ever on. And you, you might be priceless. All our hopes right now are on the shoulders of two little hobbits out there somewhere in the wild. We do not know if they are dead or alive."  
  
Tessa swayed a little.  
  
"Middle Earth is failing. Its citizens are leaving these shores and the ones who remain will fall to the fate of the Ring." He frowned at their sudden excitement. "I see you know of this. Then you also know who bears it?" He hesitated and spoke almost to himself. "Is he dead? Is he alive?  
  
"You may aid us. Who knows, four from another world. could bear the fate of all. And from what I know of you." his gaze fell on Artemis ".you have the right to bear this fate."  
  
Artemis blushed.  
  
"I do not know if you have been told, but Aragorn rode to war a few days ago. in the paths of the dead. The Last Debate has been held."  
  
"Wow," Jennie whispered to Tessa, "the time period all this took in the Return of the King is getting screwed up more every few minutes."  
  
"No kidding."  
  
Gandalf took a long, slow, exasperated breath. It was a breath the cousins knew well; their teachers used it constantly at them when they were being "disruptive", as they called it. "When we ride to the Black Gate in an hour, we need you to come with us and slip away during the battle, to aid Frodo and Sam. I think you already know of them. Will you help us? We will hold the gates long enough to let you get away. I know this seems sudden, but the choice is yours now. And only yours."  
  
*  
  
(drumroll) Dun Dun Dun Dun. GIMMIE REVIEWS OR YOU GET NOTHING! 


	12. Chapter Twelve: Preparation

I regret to inform my readers that there is a little Artemis/Holly mush in this chapter. Please accept my heartfelt apologies. I simply could not resist! The pairing would be so CUTE! cough nvm  
  
So yeah.  
  
Also: no I did NOT get this from the Magic Treehouse LMAO! The next person who suggests that I will string up by their toes as soon as I find out where they live.  
  
But thank you for all the nice reviews otherwise.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Twelve: Preparation  
  
Tessa's eyes shone like stars. Alison, however, looked less than enthusiastic.  
  
"A, a quest? NO!! Um, I don't think so." Her face had a blank expression on it, as though she didn't know what to do with her features. Jennie sniggered at her. Alison continued, ignoring her:  
  
"I, I mean, Tessa and Jennie aren't exactly cut out for that, and neither is Artemis, and." She blanched at Gandalf's scowl. "Well, I have no objection but, but, see, I have to look after them."  
  
Legolas smirked at her, which made Ally shut up completely. Having a hot elf smirk at her was the last straw.  
  
Gimli entered the room, using his ax as a staff. Gandalf flinched as he saw the notches his blade made on the tile floor. Aragorn was following him, and both Alison and Artemis flushed when they saw him. The Elessar scowled at Artemis. Ally, put out, fluffed her hair back pointedly. He ignored her.  
  
Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn assembled themselves into an intimidating line before the four. They were all watching each other warily. Then the cousins spoke.  
  
"Of COURSE!" Jennie was practically bursting.  
  
Tessa was waving her hands around. "Gandalf, I would have thought you had more sense! We, we have been WAITING to meet you our WHOLE LIFE! Legolas and Pippin and Aragorn, you're all here! You're made into gosh-dang BOOKS where we come from! And MOVIES! And you like don't even know what I'm talking about but do you know what, to think that we're just going to come and look at you all and then VANISH is just WRONG! You ask us to do a quest and we'll DO it! I mean, REALLY! This is like our DREAM! You can't expect Ally to want to, she's a prissy snob - no offense Ally - and Artemis is like half-cocked but WE are IN!"  
  
The cousins went over to hug Gandalf. They would have felt totally out of place hugging Legolas (which was too bad, really,) but Gandalf was the Grandpa guy who you could be casual with.  
  
Artemis followed, seething over being called "half-cocked." He stood by Gimli and waited for the cousins to stop hugging Gandalf, who looked oddly like he might cry.  
  
Gimli gave him a hefty slap on the back. "That's my boy!" Artemis staggered and almost fell into Aragorn, who gave him a frosty stare.  
  
The mastermind smiled weakly. "Heh."  
  
Alison looked at the trio and heaved a sigh. "I did say I had to look after them," she reminded herself, and followed.  
  
To the eternal envy and embarrassment of the other two girls, Alison found a light hand on her shoulder. Legolas cast her an approving glance, and she melted.  
  
Jennie was staring at her. "Uh, Ally? You O.K.?"  
  
"Yeah," said the pile of mush that was Ally.  
  
Gandalf was beaming. "Very well then. We will prepare horses for you in time for our departure. And, um. weapons, I think?"  
  
Tessa's eyes bugged out of her head. "Oh WOW."  
  
Gimli smiled around at everybody. "Me first, I think." He hefted his ax expertly and handed it to Alison, who almost dropped it at the heavy weight.  
  
"Um," she grunted, lifting it. She looked like an iron lifter. "I'm. taking that with me?"  
  
"Yep," said Gimli, grinning away like he had made some huge sacrifice and was expecting a crowd of fans to come in the door at any minute to scatter rose petals over his suffering head. "Yep, yep, yep."  
  
Everyone else sniggered, including Legolas.  
  
Ally glowered at them all and tried to walk around with the ax. She staggered and fell with the ax under her (fortunately sideways, edges pointing away). "Oof."  
  
Somewhat bitterly, Aragorn walked forward. He held Anduril in his hands, carrying it as though it were made of solid gold. Sullenly, he handed it to Artemis. "None save Isildur's bloodline has touched this blade before. Use it well for the causes of good." He scowled at Gandalf, like a boy who has been roped into doing something he didn't want to do.  
  
Artemis held it gingerly. His face showed slight revulsion, but the mastermind part of him pushed the feeling away and started bragging. Wow, Anduril. You are holding Anduril. Aragorn's sword. So what if he tried to decapitate you with it? It's a SWORD! COOL!  
  
You sound like those cousins, he told himself.  
  
Get over it.  
  
Legolas took a graceful stride toward the confident cousins, both obviously focused on the bow and sheath of arrows he held. Glancing apologetically at Tessa (who suddenly looked crestfallen) he handed them to Jennie. "Use them sparingly. These were wrought in Lothelorien."  
  
"Cool." Jennie's face held wide-eyed rapture. She gazed at the bow. OMG! His BOW!  
  
Disappointed, Tessa looked at Gandalf. His face was impassive, and her heart sank. But the White Rider stepped forward nevertheless, and he carried only his staff.  
  
This he gave to the last of the four.  
  
"While you hold it, my power - and the power of the Istari - is with you. None save I have ever touched this. Behold, then, Gandalf the White when his people are at need."  
  
The staff glowed white in Tessa's hand. She was speechless.  
  
At that moment, Ally tried to stand up with her ax, and fell over again. This time she missed it when she fell. Instead, the metal raised a giant bruise on her kneecap.  
  
"OW!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Let us draw the curtain of compassion over the rest of the scene.  
  
*   
  
"D'ARVIT!!"  
  
Root's voice was heard several meters away from where he stood in the Ops booth, purple-faced and ready to kick Foaly's computer again.  
  
"Julius!" The centaur's voice was sharp. "Compose yourself."  
  
The commander complied, glaring.  
  
Foaly rebooted the machine, rubbing weary eyes. I should just let Julius kick it, he told himself. What good is it doing me anyway? We've been struggling with this predicament for. he checked his watch .an hour and a half since Trouble had put up the time-stop, and we're getting nowhere. There are six and a half more hours remaining to them. And I'm clueless. That's a first.  
  
"I'm going to kill those cousins," Root remarked to thin air.  
  
"Julius, is that nice?" Holly was grinning despite her fear.  
  
"Holly. I'm going to."  
  
Foaly listened to them bicker, reflecting on how similar old married couples must sound. He shrugged these mental images off and turned back to the computer.  
  
"Maybe another cell phone call," he suggested wearily. "With Holly talking instead of you, Root. And I'll make the location recordings."  
  
"What do I do?" The commander was delighted that Foaly hadn't used his first name. The centaur must be really tired.  
  
"You monitor the surveillance."  
  
"Which means.?"  
  
Foaly showed him the several-hundred watt plugs and bulbs behind the computer desktops. "These things are live phenomenons. Never touch them or any of the cords around them, and if anything crackles or snaps, I want you to flick this switch." He showed them a beige knob. "This is wired up to the whole of Haven. You flick this baby and it's night-night for everybody, the whole of the underground. I filched the electric blueprints a few years back."  
  
"You sound like Mulch," Holly grumbled, and made the call.  
  
*  
  
Artemis scowled as his cell phone rang again. He stepped outside the room, opened it up grumpily, and held it to his ear. "Now what?"  
  
Holly's voice was thin and anxious, something that gave the boy a cold feeling. "Artemis. what do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Short, I." He was lost for words. "I'm going to save a life, I guess."  
  
In a different word, Holly snickered. Her fear slid away as she returned to her usual tart self. "I see. Falling for the bravery thing again, are we?"  
  
"You don't know everything, Holly." Artemis's voice was icy.  
  
Fascinating. He could almost see the captain rubbing her eyes. "Listen, Fowl, never mind that. You have exactly six and a half hours to get those cousins back home. After that, it'll be dawn, and you will be stuck there."  
  
Something froze inside the mastermind's gut. He kept his voice calm anyway. "I see. So I, of course, don't matter. Just the cousins. Fine. Take them. I couldn't care less if I stayed here. I matter here. And I never did underground, or even at Fowl Manor. I matter to the cousins and I matter to two little hobbits who need my help."  
  
"Dammit, Fowl!" Holly's voice cracked, and the boy felt sad, infinitely sad, for something that might have been. He pushed it furiously away, color rising in his cheeks. "This is your world. And you do matter. Remember the goblin insurgence?"  
  
"I do. That was the beginning of the end for me. My father is the ruler of my world. Not anymore!" Artemis was almost yelling. He dropped his voice. "Now I'm in charge again. Holly, you can't make me come back."  
  
The captain felt her stomach dropping away. This was not going as she had planned. "Can't you see?" she pleaded. "Fowl, THIS IS YOUR D'ARVIT WORLD. Yours. Mine. Theirs. You can't stay in a place you aren't a part of. In fact, right now Foaly is finding a way to trace -"  
  
Artemis threw the cell angrily to the floor. It shattered, and there was a stench of smoke.  
  
"I'm sorry, Holly," he whispered furiously, "but I'm not little Arty anymore."  
  
He turned on his heel and stalked out of the hall, leaving the broken cell to steam. Rage, fear, and confusion struggled to gain this adolescent boy who, like so many before him, was prey to the turmoil of time.  
  
And time was running out for him.  
  
It was also running out for the cousins.  
  
*  
  
There, see, that wasn't so bad. Was it? I mean a little TINY EENSY WEENSY bit of mush won't hurt you. Now. REVIEW! Or you do NOT get chapters 13 through 17! 


	13. Chapter Thirteen: A Plan At Last

To Jennie: Shouting tomatoes! *says it the Pippin way: toe-mah-toes*  
  
To PsychoDude: My cuz is a little outspoken, so. yeah. Don't take offense if she chews you out for like, whatever that was anyway. (but Magic Tree House? LMAO!) Your sister doesn't like Gameboy? Lol! I can still remember the days when Jen and I fought over the Gameboy. Now we fight over her portable CD player. Hey, the LotR soundtrack RULZ! So yeah!  
  
To Eialyne: If you want to know where I got the idea for this, see my lookup. It's sort of insane really.  
  
To Deena: O.o! Thanx!  
  
To bride-of-lister: Yeah, Legolas is SOOO hot, especially in the second movie! I swear I melt every time he smiles!  
  
To everyone else: yeah, I'm sort of running out of time, so. Let the story begin!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Thirteen: A Plan At Last  
  
Crestfallen, Holly stared at the phone in her hand. Foaly watched her sympathetically, but she turned away from his gaze.  
  
"I don't believe it," she muttered. "He's so, so, different." Shivers ran up her spine as she recalled that icy voice. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he understand? Anger grew in the pit of her stomach, but she pushed it away, feeling lost.  
  
Root took his eyes off the tangle of wire to look at her. This terrified elf hardly reminded him of the brave captain he'd known minutes before. Doubt ate at the corners of his mind, and he put a hand on her shoulder, looking at the centaur. "There's still a way, right?"  
  
"I don't know," Foaly answered glumly. "If Artemis smashed the cell, we have no trace. I managed to hack halfway into the physical structure, so we have his cell blueprint, but." Suddenly his eyes lit up.  
  
Holly noticed and sat forward. "What is it?"  
  
"Physical. fingers. fingerprints. oh please, oh,. oh.. YES!!!" Foaly was hardly aware of how immature he sounded. Root almost laughed but checked himself. Save it for a donkey-boy-comment later.  
  
"Well, donkey-boy?"  
  
Maybe not THAT much later.  
  
"We can trace his fingerprints, Julius! I have a replica of the graphical structure and that includes certain markings on the numbers, sides, and screen."  
  
"How does that help us trace the cousins, or that girl?"  
  
"One thing at a time, Root." Holly was obviously satisfied with Foaly's work.  
  
Root wasn't. "Foaly, we have about six hours left before your time-stop's up, their families wake to the world and those four are stuck in this Middle-Earth forever! Meanwhile, we have no intact plan, and both of you are acting as though we just took over the world. We HAVEN'T. I want a plan NOW." His face was pastel purple, a color that left his captain and scientist without a choice.  
  
Foaly drummed his fingers on the table, thinking hard. Nodding half to himself, he trotted over to the intercom wires and flicked the microphone on.  
  
"I WANT A RETRIEVAL ONE TOPS TO THE OPS BOOTH IMMEDIATELY."  
  
Speechless at the Julius-like bellow, Holly tried to shut the centaur up by pulling his tail. Kicking her in the kneecap, he continued: "RETRIEVAL ONE NOW!!"  
  
He blinked at Holly, who was already gaping at the huge bruise surfacing on her leg. "Remember this Holly, never pull my tail."  
  
As the microphone was still on, the captain flushed. Her reprimand boomed over the Underground.  
  
Root laughed so hard he spat out his cigar. "D'Arvit. Right then, down to business. What was this inspired plan of yours, Foaly?"  
  
Nursing his abused tail, the centaur explained excitedly, "Fingerprints! The DNA is exactly what we need, because the unique design can trace to no other. Artemis Fowl was easy enough. Now all we need are the prints of those girls, if the Retrieval One team can handle everything correctly."  
  
"I bet we can," a voice said from the doorway. "What exactly do you want us to do?"  
  
Holly turned to see Trouble standing in the doorway, his men crowded behind him. They all looked surprised to see that she hadn't changed out of her Mud Man clothes yet, and one or two snickered. Well, it's not like I had time to, she thought angrily. "Captain Kelp."  
  
"Captain Short. Commander." His greetings were brief, only just passable as civil.  
  
Foaly coughed. Trouble ignored him.  
  
"So what is this mission you've decided is so urgent? We don't exactly like being summoned two hours after a different retrieval." Rebellion flickered in his eyes.  
  
Root noticed and seethed. With all eyes on him, he flicked the intercom on again and spoke into it. "Attention all citizens," he growled. "There is currently an international crisis going on." He met Captain Kelp's gaze fiercely. "An ally of the people and three American girls responsible for his disappearance are in a different world. An elf is partially answerable to their plight. I want all chutes emptied immediately for a rescue mission." Flicking off the power switch, the commander growled, "And you'd better get into those empty chutes fast, Trouble, before I send you and your troupe into the Arctic Circle to do some serious donkey work. SERIOUS donkey work, not just some light lala stuff."  
  
Holly flinched. She'd heard that threat herself. Donkey work was composed of cleaning chute send-offs, a risky business in itself; but if the commander was REALLY cheesed at you, you got the job no fairy wants; decomposing waste by hand, an unnecessary job but good punishment nonetheless.  
  
Knowing this, Trouble blanched. "Come on, boys," he coughed, backing out of the doorway, "we got some work to do."  
  
Foaly smirked. Watching somebody else get blasted by the commander's wrath was his favorite entertainment. Nevertheless, he ended the fun and, pushing past Julius, he selected some Hummingbirds from the racks and fitted them all with helmets. All already carried weapons.  
  
Trouble hesitated slightly. "What if they're awake? The Mud Men?"  
  
"What are the chances of that?" Foaly snickered.  
  
"If you say so, Donkey Boy," Captain Kelp retorted, using Root's favorite insult before quickly ducking out the door.  
  
After all, Foaly still had those plasma tiles.  
  
*  
  
"A plan at last." Kuro shook his head. "Some plan, huh, Trubs?"  
  
Trouble gritted his teeth as the shielded fairies flew across to the time- shielded house. "Don't call me Trubs, Kuro. You sound like Grub."  
  
"You mean Corporal Kelp, Trubs."  
  
Kuro loved agitating the captain. It was a lot more fun than it seemed, especially as Kuro was a recent addition to the Retrieval One team. He was the best, even Root knew it. And Trouble lived in constant fear that this "green" elf would take the floor - and the rank of Captain - out from under him.  
  
Captain Kuro - oh, the elf liked the sound! One day Captain Kuro would be written in gold on every doorstep, or whatever they did to celebrities. Despite his ignorance of fame, Kuro could see himself striding down the Haven roads with a Commander's Acorns glinting on his chest. Kuro Trucehart. Oh, that would be the day.  
  
Trouble could see the other's eyes mist over as they landed. "Focus, Junior. We have work to do."  
  
"Right," Kuro nodded. Snapping out of it, he looked at the time-shield and passed through the gateway apprehensively. "All for one, eh, Trubs?"  
  
"I swear, if you call me Trubs one more time."  
  
".he'll tell Mommy," a new voice interjected.  
  
Captain Kelp rolled his eyes up to the frozen heavens and asked Frond why he was cursed to be on this team, of all Retrievals under the world.  
  
They crept across the lawn silently, frost crackling under their feet. The time-stop was completely silent, and underneath the magic arc not a soul moved besides the Retrieval team. And one other.   
  
Leah stood with a hand on the back of the chair, gripping it nervously. She simply could not fall asleep, which was odd. and she wondered why Jennie, Tessa, and Alison seemed to have disappeared. They were probably outside in the hammock, she reflected. Crossing over to the window, she peeped into the night.  
  
"Omigod," she breathed.  
  
Their yard and house were both encased in a blue-marble shield. It positively glowed through the black night, and she could also see twelve miniature men sneaking toward the back door. She freaked out and started screaming, running away from the window in stark blind fear. Leah, having few resources, was tempted to play dead for a moment, but instead charged through the house, opening the bedroom doors and shaking Larry in the hopes he would wake.  
  
His head lolled back on the pillow.  
  
The woman knew nothing of time-stop rules. Her panicked mind jumped to a lone conclusion- drugged! Kristin and Fran proved as helpless.  
  
How did they do it? Leah asked herself. How did these people manage to sneak poisons under our very noses?  
  
Her mouth set in a grim line, much like the sort she used on Jennie when her daughter was disruptive. It was up to her to save the day.  
  
The next thing she tried was the phone. The connection died even as she picked it up. Probably something to do with the electrical charge outside, she reflected. Bleakly, she picked up a lamp and advanced slowly to the back door, where she could already hear scuffles outside.  
  
"OUCH! Trouble, you racist Mud Man, I'll feed you your d'Arvit badge."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuff it in the toilet, you moron."  
  
"Oooh, Trubs, you're fighting. I'll tell Mommy!"  
  
Things happened quickly after that. Leah, automatically assuming that the short intruders were only children, stalked forward with her you-have-been- very-bad-and-I'm-going-to-get-you-now face set. The door swung open and the Retrieval members tumbled in together, buzz batons ready. And, wouldn't you know it, the resulting tussle ended with one of the electrically charged weapons making contact with a kitchen towel.  
  
There was a very brief explosion.  
  
Leah, now totally cheesed, grabbed the nearest short trespasser and shook him violently.  
  
"Grub!" one of the others hissed worriedly, and started forward.  
  
The woman was intent on her prey. "Didn't your mommy tell you not to play with fire?"  
  
He started to cry.  
  
"Ohhh, now you've done it," the leading one said, obviously the bawler's older brother. He strutted forward, buzz baton at the ready.  
  
Leah was contemptuous. "If I was your mom, I'd be ashamed of the way you acted. And how do you plan on hurting me?"  
  
"If you were my mom, you would know," Trouble drawled, and clipped her on the chest.  
  
For the human, things went black rather abruptly.  
  
*  
  
To all who still live with your parents; NEVER LET YOUR FATHER WALK BEHIND YOU WHEN YOU'RE ATTEMPTING HUMOR! You'll end up trying to explain more than you want to! Review! 


	14. Chapter Fourteen: The Ride to the Black ...

YAY! IT'S HERE! THE FUNNIEST CHAPTER!  
  
Well except for Chapter Seventeen but I haven't put that up yet.  
  
So nyah.  
  
ALSO: MAJOR SPOILERS! If you haven't read the Return of the King, well, I would NOT recommend reading this because we give away EVERYTHING! Like Gandalf refusing to save Frodo and Gollum destroying the one ring! (covers mouth) Oops.  
  
Oh, btw, practically all the stuff that we tell Artemis about, like in chapters 4 & 5 and this one- most of it actually happened. INCLUDING painting my face with lipstick at a public pool and, well, let's not get into that right now.  
  
To Jennie: DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY TO MY FRODO!  
  
To everyone else: Uhh, ignore that.  
  
Riight.  
  
*  
  
Chapter Fourteen; The Ride to the Black Gate  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"Horses," Tessa said practically. "We need horses, right?"  
  
Legolas nodded and led the four around to the stables. For the past twenty minutes, they had been getting ready for the ride to the Black Gate.  
  
"I want a blue roan!" Tessa cried enthusiastically.  
  
Artemis, who was being surprisingly quiet, asked for a black quarterhorse. Jennie put in a request for a dappled gray stallion, and Allison, who had fallen in love with a brown mare that possessed white stockings, was already getting a saddle and tack- she learned fast.  
  
The four were rapidly adjusting to life in Middle Earth - which was good, as in five hours and forty minutes, they would be stuck there forever.  
  
Artemis was aware of this. Being a genius was a burden, and while he tried to focus on the lessons Legolas was giving them on saddling a horse the Rohan style, his mind kept flicking back to Fowl Manor, and the Underground. It was becoming more likely that he would never see either of those places again.  
  
"Artemis!" The gravelly, stern voice of Aragorn cut into his thoughts. "Jennifer, Alison. come. We are riding early."  
  
Tessa cinched a gurth tighter, indignant at not being mentioned.  
  
All four mounted up. Aragorn ahead of them swung into Brego's saddle; Gimli and Legolas shared Arod. They rode out of the stables together to where Gandalf was waiting with Shadowfax.  
  
"Farewell, white Towers of Gondor!" he cried. Behind him a moderate army stood attentive. "We ride to war!"  
  
"We ride to war!"  
  
*  
  
Trouble stood shamefaced under Root's degrading stare. "You what?"  
  
"She was awake, Commander. We attacked and brought her back as hostage," Trouble said wretchedly. "The city is equalized."  
  
"And what do you plan to do with their MOTHER?" Root's voice raised at the last word.  
  
Foaly snickered.  
  
"We have the fingerprints," Trouble offered.  
  
"One thing done correctly." Root pushed past him. "Where is she?"  
  
Leah sat drooping outside the pods. She was being given a wide berth from the fairies; the electricity from the buzz batons had made her start spacing out.  
  
Foaly examined her. "Just how much buzz do you pack in those batons?" he asked. "Opal Kaboi flushes no doubt." Something to do an a rainy day.  
  
Leah looked at him blearily. "How much sugar did Jennie REALLY eat that night when we went to the candy store?"  
  
Foaly blinked. "A metric ton," he assured her.  
  
Root's eyes narrowed. "What are you DOING?"  
  
"Keep the patient confused and you'll have less need for a mind wipe. Standard really, Julius."  
  
"Don't. call. me. JULIUS!"  
  
Leah blinked at the commander. "A shouting tomato. How unusual."  
  
Foaly tried and failed to stop laughing.  
  
Root's face grew even redder. "She's been drugged," he pronounced. "The creature is not in her right mind."  
  
"Oh, I think she seems pretty lucid, Julius," the centaur said innocently.  
  
The commander was very tempted to decapitate the insolent scientist but controlled himself.  
  
Barely. "Very well, Trouble, let's have a look at these 'fingerprints.'" He deftly changed the subject.  
  
The captain, who was also sniggering, produced a roll on which he had copied the data of the cousins' fingerprints. "Here you are, sir."  
  
Shouting tomato. He couldn't help it - he laughed.  
  
Julius Root buried his head in his hands. When this was over, he was going to crawl in a chute hole and die. Maybe then his talents as Commander would be more appreciated.  
  
*  
  
Jennie half-rose from her saddle and looked around the terrain. She yelled back at Legolas, his bow swinging to thump into her butt as she did so. Flinching, she called, "How much farther?"  
  
He covered a smile at her clumsiness. "Guess," the elf yelled back, pointing at the cloud of ash rising from the nearing Mount Doom.  
  
Tessa grinned. They were close, all right. She knew her cousin just wanted an excuse to talk to - she eyed the elf that was riding next to her - this. babe.  
  
Nudging her horse to a gallop, she sped up and fell into place by Jennie. "So," she said, looking around at the outskirts of Mordor, "how much farther?" She laughed as the other attempted to kick her.  
  
"Well, I just wanted to know," Jennie said, highly affronted.  
  
Tessa rolled her eyes. "Why don't you just ask him if he'll marry you and have done with it?"  
  
Her cousin's eyes misted over. Groaning, Tessa whacked her over the head with Gandalf's staff. "You're pathetic!"  
  
"Just wait till we see Frodo," Jennie said wickedly, rubbing her head. "You won't even bother to ask him to marry you, you'll take it for granted and start-"  
  
Tessa smacked her again, a lot harder. "You shut up!" ((A/N: *cough cough* Let's keep this a PG-13 fic.))  
  
Alison, who was behind them next to Aragorn, snickered. "Now Jennie be nice to your cousin," she said, assuming a big-sister air.  
  
"Like crap she will," Tessa grumbled, glaring at Jennie.  
  
She smirked. "What a beautiful shade of red your face is, Tessa. Like a rose, a blossom of love slowly unfurling its crimson petals as the love of your life draws nearer-"  
  
Gandalf watched, flinching, as his white staff cracked down on Jennie's head for the third time. "Teenagers," he muttered.  
  
Artemis rode up to join the fun. "Say Tessa, you look like Root!"  
  
Remembering what Holly had told them about the overreactive commander, Tessa scowled. "WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?"  
  
"Ingrates," she said majestically, and nudged her horse to a gallop.  
  
Ahead of them stretched the Black Gate of Mordor, the sight of which made her slow. "When did we get so far?" Tessa wondered aloud.  
  
"Please, Tessa." Alison followed. "That's worse than 'how far are we'. We've been riding for half an hour."  
  
Artemis heard. He calculated quickly; if that was so, they had about four hours until their time was out.  
  
As the army assembled around the Gate, waiting, they cried insults. "Come forth!" they shrieked. "Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice shall be done upon him, for wrongfully has he made war upon Gondor."  
  
Jennie and Tessa exchanged looks. "That's right out of the books," one said in relief.  
  
The Doors opened with a clang, and a monstrous shape came forth, cloaked in black. Artemis shuddered slightly, as did all. It was mounted on a Ringwraith steed, a living man consumed by evil.  
  
"I am the Mouth of Sauron," he said.  
  
Boos came from the general area of Jennie, Tessa, Alison, and Artemis, as well as cries of "Bastard!" and "Jerk!" and "Gah, go take a bath, ratscum; we can smell you from here."  
  
Some of Gondor smiled. Gandalf did not. Protesting, the four were shown to the rear of the company.  
  
The parleying continued as it had in the books. Alison sighed with love when Aragorn faced down the Mouth of Sauron, and Tessa actually screamed when Frodo's garments were shown.  
  
Jennie covered her eyes, not because the of the clothes; rather, her cousin. "It has begun."  
  
Tessa continued to wail. "AAAAaaah, my FROOOODOOOOOO, noooo," she bawled, reaching for the Mithril shirt.  
  
"It is plain that this brat at least has seen these tokens before," said the messenger. "It would be vain to deny them now."  
  
"You FILTH!" Tessa roared, grabbing at the Mithril shirt and yanking it from the Mouth of Sauron's grasp. "You hurt my Frodo! God, I hate you! May all that's foul and stinking torture your miserable hide as you did his! Curse you! CURSE YOU!" She wept over the dwarvish silver, gulping and shaking.  
  
Artemis and Alison joined Jennie in hiding their eyes. Artemis was disgusted. "Is she always like this?"  
  
"Usually," Jennie replied. "When it happened in the movie (we went to see it opening night), you know, and the Orc dude is whipping Frodo, she stood up in the theater and threw our whole bag of popcorn at the screen."  
  
Tessa sniffled, overhearing them. "It was SAD, okay?"  
  
The messenger had ignored this exchange, and had just finished naming the terms of Gondor's surrender, in return for the Halfling.  
  
Gandalf refused.  
  
("When THAT happened in the theater," Jennie confided to Artemis, "it wasn't the popcorn that got hurled- it was our Coke."  
  
"It made quite a splash on the White Wizard," Alison added. "We got thrown out REAL quick after that.")  
  
Having no soda handy, Tessa threw the Mithril shirt at Gandalf. It struck home, unfortunately for the wizard. He yelped. "You're as bad as he is!" the girl raged. "Come on people! This is FRODO! I'd give the citadel of the angels for Frodo!" She cast about for something else to throw.  
  
Finally uncovering her eyes, Jennie surged forward and grabbed her cousin. "Shh! We came along to sneak away right NOW and save him, remember? So just hush!"  
  
At that moment, the Black Gate fully opened. Having been refused, Sauron was pouring out all his strength, thrice that of Saruman's. About two million Orcs were streaming out of the gates, more plentiful than in the movie, more sinister than in the book.  
  
The four from Earth gaped. Tessa managed a whimper before Jennie grabbed her arm and hauled her away. "We have to go NOW! To save the hobbits!"  
  
In the tumult of the battle that followed, nobody noticed four shapes sneaking through the open Black Gate.  
  
*  
  
(cough loudly) If I do not get at least twenty reviews for this chapter I will be MAD! Because this is the BEST chapter in my opinion! I finally show my true colors! GO FRODO! WE LOVE YOU! 


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Of Worms And Weapons

YAY! I'm sooo happy! I stayed up late and FINISHED THE COUSIN'S CONSPIRACY! So you can have all the chapters now! YAY!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Fifteen: Of Worms and Weapons  
  
"Alison, would you hurry up?"  
  
"Listen, if YOU were lugging that dwarf dude's ax around, you wouldn't be too cocky, Jennie."  
  
"As it happens, I got favored by an elf in the line of weapons."  
  
"An elf who has braids."  
  
"Artemis, shut up! He's hotter than you'll ever be!"  
  
"Tessa, ask me if I care."  
  
"Do you care?"  
  
Artemis blinked at Tessa, who had stopped walking to turn around and stare at him. He opened his mouth and closed it. "Huh?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "You are such a dork."  
  
"Some others might disagree," said Jennie. Artemis gaped at her. "But I am not one of them," she continued, smiling in her most irritating way.  
  
Feeling beset on all sides, the mastermind walked ahead, staring out across the miles that separated them from Mount Doom. He changed the subject. "How are we going to cross this," he asked, "in four hours?"  
  
"It's mostly flat ground," Tessa smiled. "We can run it."  
  
"Run?" the other three chorused.  
  
She felt her own resolve weaken. Lord, she hated running. But she would gladly run up and down a mountain for Frodo Baggins of the Shire. Her eyes misted over.  
  
Jennie, who knew what that look meant, cut in swiftly. "What do you guys think?"  
  
Artemis wavered. He was the worst runner on that side of the Grey Havens. Seriously. To run several miles. Thinking of how Holly would laugh if she knew what he was thinking, he blanched. "Okay!"  
  
Alison looked at the three not-so-eager faces, then at the several tons of iron that she carried in the form of an ax. "I don't think so."  
  
Before she had finished talking, the other three had taken off in a steady sprint. With a resigned sigh, she jogged after them, dragging Gimli's weapon. As she ran, she grumbled. "How. the. bloody hell. did. I. get myself. into this?"  
  
*  
  
"Fingerprints." Root drummed his fingers on the table. "We are trusting the future of four people's lives to fingerprints."  
  
"Technology, Julius. We are trusting lives to technology. Mud Men have done it and survived. Why shouldn't it work for the smartest four-hoofed creature in the Milky Way?"  
  
"I love your sense of humor, donkey boy."  
  
"No, I was serious."  
  
Holly was becoming irritated. "Would you two stop bickering and work? This is Artemis's life we are talking about here."  
  
Root raised an eyebrow. "Short, the boy is not that precious to the People."  
  
"Like dung he isn't. And you know it."  
  
Foaly ran a scanner bar over the print copies and fed them into the computer. "Would you two shut up for a moment? I'm working here!"  
  
"Oh, look, the pony has an attitude problem."  
  
"JULIUS!"  
  
"Okay, okay, don't get your tail in a knot."  
  
Holly rubbed her temples.  
  
Foaly scowled at his computer screen, reading the message that had flashed up in blue on it: "Recipient is not in ambit. Contact Kaboi for further information."  
  
"Kaboi?" said Root incredulously. "OPAL Kaboi? Didn't you flush out her traces a few YEARS ago?"  
  
"Maybe, maybe not." Foaly's frown deepened. "Apparently not."  
  
"What do we do now?" Holly demanded, seeing the centaur's hesitance.  
  
"Well, I can run another systems check, and purge Kaboi technology AGAIN, or we can just reboot this particular system and continue."  
  
"What's faster?" inquired Root.  
  
Foaly answered softly. "Reboot is quicker by about an hour."  
  
"And what's wiser?"  
  
"Systems check. If we continue, another Kaboi trace could pop up during the performance and we could kill all four humans."  
  
Holly bit her lip. Precious time would pass, an hour precisely, if they ran a check. But Artemis could be killed. It was a hard dilemma.  
  
"Systems check," said her commander firmly. "No questions asked."  
  
"I hope not," said Foaly worriedly. "I wouldn't have the answers."  
  
There was silence for a moment.  
  
The captain was growing impatient. "Shouldn't you start the check by now, Foaly?"  
  
"Just waiting for the all-powerful Commanding Julius to give the word."  
  
"I'll give you more than a word, you little-"  
  
"I'll take that as a 'go,'" said the centaur hastily, and pressed the button.  
  
*  
  
Alison eyed Gimli's ax. Even after ten minutes of running with it, she could already feel the sweat streaming down her neck. She pushed back her hair with a careless hand and looked at the three jogging ahead of her.  
  
Tessa had it the easiest; Gandalf's weapon served her as a walking staff. She was several yards beyond Jennie, whose bow kept thumping into her rear as she strained to catch up with her cousin.  
  
Artemis was only a little ahead of Alison, lumbering along with Anduril held aloft. All his genius was protesting this; even the smallest kindergartener was taught to never run with a sharp object in their hand. Anduril was definitely a sharp object. Trying not to think about what would happen if he tripped, the mastermind consoled himself with visions of how Butler would torture the cousins if he ever got out of this.  
  
"I mean, I never even wanted to come," he grumbled, glaring after the distant Tessa.  
  
Alison overheard and snorted, finally moving stiff legs again. "But YOU ran away," she accused him. "None of this would have happened if you and that elf hadn't come. Isn't there any water in this place?"  
  
Artemis looked back, lowering his sword. "Elf? How do you- oh. The cousins told you, right?"  
  
Alison thought of Legolas's pointy ears and how she had laughed at Tessa's story, of Holly being an elf. She smiled at the mastermind weakly. "I make it a rule to never listen to my little sister, OR her conspirators. Every once in a while my policy shames me, as they were actually telling the truth. Let's just say that this time, I learned the hard way." She put on a burst of speed and passed him.  
  
Artemis lifted Anduril again and continued.  
  
*  
  
Tessa halted from where she stood at the edge of a small rise and looked back, setting down Gandalf's staff. Jennie stopped next to her. "Why are we stopping?"'  
  
She raised her arm and pointed downward. A quarter of a mile away was a river, small and oily black against the landscape.  
  
Jennie wasn't exactly thrilled. "Ew, Tessa! It's BLACK."  
  
"Oh, I'm aware," the other grinned. "But aren't you thirsty? Even warmed water would moisten your parched mouth. Besides, Frodo and Sam drank from water like this."  
  
"They probably got worms," Artemis said, coming up behind them.  
  
"You shut up," Tessa snarled, not liking the idea of Frodo having worms. That would make for a very uncomfortable relationship.  
  
Jennie noticed her expression and smirked. "What, didn't you ever wonder why he didn't get married, Tessa?"  
  
Glowering, Tessa hoisted Gandalf's staff and began to run again. As she left, Alison panted up to the rise and looked down on the black river.  
  
"WATER!" she managed, and followed Tessa, dragging the ax behind her.  
  
Completely grossed out, Artemis and Jennifer looked at each other. The girl wrinkled her nose.  
  
"Worms," she muttered, feeling nauseated, and jogged down the rise.  
  
Artemis followed, lips pressed together stubbornly. No matter how thirsty he was, not one drop of that unsanitary water would touch his lips. Just the thought of it made him shiver. "Oily, greasy, polluted black water," he grumbled as he ran.  
  
Alison wouldn't have cared if it was monkey dung, so long as it was wet. Carrying an ax around while sweating her butt off was NOT her favored exercise. She passed Tessa, sprinting like an Olympic runner, down to the water's edge.  
  
The other three heard a mighty splash.  
  
"Ahhhh," said Ally. "Hey, sick, it's warm!"  
  
Jennie wrinkled her nose until it resembled a sweaty raisin. "That is so gross, Ally. You'll get dysentery, mark my words."  
  
Her big sister sent a wave of foul water at her. "Ooh, I'm afraid. Look, it's a scary fish."  
  
The cousin stood sputtering, dripping wet. "ALISON!"  
  
Tessa glanced at her ooh-now-you've-REALLY-ticked-me-off scowl and flinched. "Now you've done it."  
  
With an aggressive roar similar to that of a provoked grizzly, Jennie charged her sister, flailing her arms around and sending water all over her cousin. Laughing her head off, Tessa joined the fray, scattering bitter droplets everywhere. "FOR THE SHIRE!" she yelled, sweeping an arc of grimy liquid into Alison's eyes.  
  
They had just begun a major water fight when Artemis, backing hastily away from the onslaught of water, heard a small voice. "The Shire?"  
  
No more than two yards upstream, Sam Gamgee stood staring at the three battling girls, before filling Frodo's water canteen and slipping quietly away.  
  
*  
  
Oooh! A cliffhanger! Me like! Well, not really as you're getting the next chapter, but o well. REVIEW! 


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Attack

I keep WARNING you people, there is a LOT of giveaways to the LotR 3 plot. The next chapter, Mount Doom, is going to have like TOTAL spoilers. So caution! Don't blame me; you got your warning!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Sixteen: Attack  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Julius, shut up! It's halfway finished downloading, okay?"  
  
Root gave the centaur a sharp glance. "Somebody's touchy."  
  
"Aren't we all," snapped Holly.  
  
The three had been waiting for slightly over half an hour. Foaly had grown more and more fidgety, Holly had grown more and more grouchy, and Root had become roughly the hue of a very dark plum indeed.  
  
They all stared at the screen.  
  
The four had been staring at the screen for roughly half an hour.  
  
Holly yawned.  
  
Root yawned.  
  
Holly's head drooped.  
  
Root's head drooped. ((A/N: This goes on for a while.))  
  
Half an hour later. . .  
  
Holly snored.  
  
Root snored.  
  
Foaly suddenly gave a cry of triumph, waking both of them up. "It's finished!"  
  
"Oh, good," growled the captain, stretching stiff limbs. "Remind me to give it a birthday present."  
  
The centaur knew she was joking, but he played along anyway, his most annoying smirk plastered on his face. "That would be nice-"  
  
"Dammit, pony boy, just hurry up already!"  
  
"I'm trying," Foaly said in a long-suffering voice.  
  
"We've spent an hour waiting," Root snarled. "So this had better be good."  
  
"Oh, it's good," the centaur said. "Our system is flaw-free. Now all we have to do is come up with a system."  
  
"What did you plan to do?" Holly inquired.  
  
He sighed. "Listen closely, you two, I'm only saying this once."  
  
The commander sat up.  
  
"Using the data concerning physical structure of our tools, we are going to compose a time field using Holly's contaminated magic and send out a strong negative reaction to their desire. Basically the opposite of a bio-bomb. Instead of deleting life, we are recreating it."  
  
"Which means?"  
  
"Using the fingerprints of the missing people," Foaly said patiently, "as well as Holly's magic, which sent them there in the first place, we are going to put out a call that will both delete Tessa's wish and return them."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Simple. Use the contaminated magic to contradict the purpose of a bomb, send it out, and wham! They're home."  
  
Root's eyes were bloodshot. "HOW?"  
  
"It stands to reason. Holly's magic is strong enough to send them there, it's strong enough to call them back. We need a structure for it; the bio- bomb is the most powerful one we have, so if we rig that into what we want it to do, then that alone is more cause for it to work. The fingerprints will ensure that Artemis, Alison, Jennie, and Tessa alone will return."  
  
"That makes no sense," said Holly.  
  
"I can't explain it any simpler!"  
  
"I think I can," Root cut in. "A human wished on magic to go somewhere. The magic is strong enough to do that, so it is strong enough to bring her back. Using the DNA of that human reinforces it. And because the magic needs a structure to contain its goal, we are giving it the strongest one we have. As it completes the task, it will cancel what sent the human there in the first place."  
  
"Precisely," said Foaly.  
  
Blinking, Holly tried to simplify it even more. "Basically, a wished on b to go to c, b uses its power to get a back from c using part of a and part of c."  
  
Foaly started to type. "All we have to do is figure out how to channel your magic to contradict the nature of a bomb."  
  
The captain groaned. "Is this going to take a while?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
With a long-suffering sigh, she leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes, and tried to imagine what Artemis was doing.  
  
*  
  
"I can't BELIEVE you dragged me into that water fight," Artemis grumbled as he stalked after Alison in soaking clothes.  
  
"Hey. You asked for everything you got."  
  
"Good God, Alison, I was standing on the bank watching."  
  
Jennie joined in. "Yeah, Ally, stop being so Mary Sue-ish." She fumbled in her pocket and drew out a small thin cylinder.  
  
Artemis looked at her in disbelief. "Is that chapstick?"  
  
"Yeah. That black water tasted disgusting." With much enthusiasm, the girl proceeded to apply the stuff heavily. "This tastes like blueberries."  
  
Tessa rolled her eyes, as did the other two. "Why don't you do something USEFUL, Jennie?"  
  
"Such as?"  
  
"Pick up your pace," Artemis cut in. "We have less than three hours to get to Frodo and Sam."  
  
Jennie walked a little faster, eyes on the nearing Mount Doom. "What does it matter?" she grumbled. "Sauron emptied the whole of Mordor to wage war on Gondor."  
  
"Not all," said Alison. "Not all of them, Jen."  
  
Tessa followed her gaze and said an exceptionally bad word, one she would never have dared say in front of her mother.  
  
Five Orcs clad in the uniform of the Eye were drawing nearer. They had spotted the four a while back, and while they could have just picked the girls off with arrows and dealt with Artemis later, they were hungry for war. Their companions were out fighting Men, wile they were stuck in here.  
  
So they approached, leering evilly. One had slit cat eyes, the sort that had given the cousins nightmares after watching the Fellowship of the Ring in theaters; another had a rotting mass where his eyes should have been, a token of regard from his companions. The last three merely had the normal iodine-colored eyes, narrowed with hate and annoyance. All had sagging greenish-brown skin  
  
Jennie fit an arrow to her bow with shaking fingers, drawing the bow as she had seen Legolas do so many times before in the movies.  
  
Alison half-raised her ax, readying it.  
  
Artemis hefted Anduril threateningly.  
  
Tessa swung her staff high, pointed it at the one with rotting eyes, and spoke a spell in Elvish. He blew apart, showering his companions with dark blood.  
  
The other four began to run. Tessa had begun the battle. She raised her staff again.  
  
Jennie shot.  
  
There was a hissing noise as her shaft plunged deep into the hip of one of the Orcs. She cursed her aim and shot again, calming herself; when taking archery classes, she had learned that fright could vary your success.  
  
This time the Orc she hit, the one with the cat-eyes, fell to the ground, an arrow in his throat. She breathed out, almost serenely.  
  
The last three were upon them.  
  
Anduril flickered like a streak of lightning as it whipped around the one who had chosen to pick on Artemis. Wielding itself, it seemed, the blade slashed across the Orc's abdomen. Artemis flinched and cut his throat, a mercy stroke. He felt ready to vomit as the evil body sagged to the ground.  
  
Alison wasn't having that much luck. She could hardly raise her weapon and the Orc attacking her had already cut her thigh open. It was bleeding sluggishly, as though he'd struck a smaller vein instead of a major one. She swung the ax sideways and hit him in the kneecaps. Falling to his knees and barking in pain, he cut at her stomach. She scrambled backwards, dropping Gimli's ax, which collapsed across her feet.  
  
"OUCH!" she shrieked, and fell backwards.  
  
The Orc was coming at her again when Jennie shot him in the liver. Alison kicked out at him as he keeled over her, tipping the ax upright. The creature beheaded itself.  
  
There was one attacker left. He had avoided going for Tessa after seeing what her staff could do, and instead was circling Jen warily. Her cousin couldn't help without risk of destroying family instead of foe, so she watched, ready to jump in if things got bloody.  
  
The Orc moved in on Jennifer before she could set her arrow. She squeaked and attempted to gut him with the shaft. It snapped. "Damn!"  
  
Suddenly a white staff cracked down on the ambusher's head. Hard. He dropped like a stone, and Tessa finished him off, using another Elvish spell.  
  
Jennie stared at her. "Did I know you could do that?"  
  
Her cousin smirked. "Reading Lord of the Rings appendixes can be handy sometimes, as you would know if you ever tried it."  
  
The other shrugged. "I thought the only interesting stuff back there was Elvish."  
  
"You were right," Tessa said smugly. "But there's more than just two pages, dear."  
  
They walked over to Alison and Artemis. The mastermind was cutting strips from the girl's cloak to bind her thigh wound with, using Anduril.  
  
He looked up at them. "We were lucky. She still had some athelas in her pocket, and that stopped the bleeding pretty quick. Nobody's really hurt."  
  
There was silence for a moment as Jennie examined the one he had killed. She whistled. "Did I know you could do that?"  
  
Artemis looked self-conscious. "It was a defense thing, okay? Fifteen years of living with Butler paid off. Though he doesn't favor swords."  
  
Tessa helped Alison up. "Are you ready to start running again?"  
  
Alison felt better than she had before. Maybe there was elf magic in the old herb Kingsfoil.  
  
"Actually, I am." She sprang ahead of the other three, staring up at the ever-nearing Mount Doom.  
  
They exchanged glances and followed.  
  
*  
  
Holly's eyes opened. She stared at Foaly and Root.  
  
"They're getting closer."  
  
*  
  
Ooooh! Another cliffhanger! Me LIKE! Wow, I'm getting really good at this. PLEEASE review before you go on! 


	17. drumroll Chapter Seventeen: Mount Doom

WARNING! IF YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR, YOU MAY TURN BACK IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS! YOU HAVE NOW BEEN CAUTIONED! MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS CHAPTER!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Seventeen: Mount Doom  
  
Whether by chance or by some other force, Artemis, Alison, Jennie and Tessa crossed the gap between the Black Gate and Mount Doom slowly over the next three hours. This was quite astonishing as it took most about a day, but the four were determined to reach the hobbits in time.  
  
Alison panted up behind the younger cousins, who were staring up at Mount Doom. "We did it."  
  
"I know," said Jennie, still looking in awe.  
  
The dark mountain belched currents of fire. Words were floating down to them from above; "Mr. Frodo! You go on, I'll deal with Stinker." They could hardly see for the mist of ash that hung around them.  
  
"This is AMAZING," Tessa said, gazing upward. "Just AMAZING."  
  
"Incredible," Jennie agreed.  
  
"Phenomenal," Artemis added dryly. "Are we going to stand here spouting creative words or are we going to go up there?"  
  
Without a word, the four began walking up the thin and winding path that twined about Mount Doom.  
  
*  
  
Julius Root was happy. Those who were close to the commander knew that when he was happy, somebody else was about to be extremely sad.  
  
He walked over to where Foaly sat, typing furiously on a palm computer as they both examined the bio-bomb that Holly had altered. "What's the probability of this failing?"  
  
"Ten percent. We are ready to launch."  
  
The captain was exhausted from her exertion, but at those words she sat up. "Ten percent, Foaly? They might DIE."  
  
To avoid answering, Foaly looked over to where Leah Dumka was sitting in the corner, playing with a fairy hand grenade. Several sprites were watching her and making bets on when she'd blow herself up.  
  
"Ten minutes."  
  
"Naw, Chix, I'd say three."  
  
Root noticed and purpled. "Who gave her that thing?"  
  
Chix Verbil looked exceedingly guilty.  
  
"Listen, the next time you guys want to act cocky, you can-"  
  
Leah blasted her fourth hole in the recycling room's wall. She looked up at Root. "Pretty tomato."  
  
Foaly looked back at Holly. "There is always a risk, Captain. In fact, I'm not even relying on getting them home before the time-stop ends now. I'm relying on launching this before the time-stop ends. So are you ready to run with it?"  
  
Holly took a breath. Part of herself, her magic in fact, was going into cyberspace. "Yes, I am."  
  
Foaly pressed the launching button. The bio-bomb flickered out of view.  
  
Root was instantly concerned. He detached himself from Leah's grasping hands. "Where did it go?"  
  
"I don't know. Book world, I guess. I've never done this before, Julius."  
  
"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS!"  
  
Foaly allowed himself the tiniest smirk. "Yessir, pretty tomato."  
  
Leah looked at the centaur, distracted for once. Her eyes were drooping. "Kitty," she said, reaching for his tail.  
  
Root laughed for a full five minutes.  
  
*  
  
There was quite an assembly at the door of Mount Doom, ancient citadel of evil. More so than the books or the movie had ever showed.  
  
Tessa pushed her way to the front of the four. Her eyes rested on the small shape that stood at the edge of the height, staring down into the fiery depths. She whispered to Jennie. "I'm taller than him!"  
  
"It's a miracle," the taller girl replied.  
  
A heartrending cry echoed about the room. "Master!" Samwise Gamgee pushed his way through Artemis and the girls to chase after Frodo.  
  
The room went black for a moment, as though someone had flicked a power switch. When the red hue to the area came back, the lava was leaping higher than ever, almost swirling about the waists of the hobbits. Yet they were unscathed.  
  
Frodo began to speak with a clear and awful voice, terrible and frightening, as he stood in the midst of the fire.  
  
"No Frodo," Tessa murmured, eyes watery, "don't do it!"  
  
"I have come. But I do not choose to do now what I came to do. I will not do this deed."  
  
"Bastard," muttered Alison.  
  
Tessa turned on her. "Don't you talk that way to my Frodo!"  
  
"The Ring is mine!"  
  
A lithe dark shape sprang forward, striking Sam from behind. The gardener fell, landing hard and almost rolling into the fires. Gollum took no notice of this; he continued to leap forward, until he was at the very edge of the cliff.  
  
Frodo set the Ring upon his finger and vanished from view. The very earth trembled.  
  
Artemis rolled his eyes. "Special effects even in Middle-Earth."  
  
"Shut up," Tessa breathed.  
  
"Yeah, really," Jennie snarled.  
  
As Gollum and the invisible Frodo battled, another battle was going on behind them.  
  
"Oh really? What do you think the shaking is? Sauron being overthrown?"  
  
"Actually, I do." Jennie had her hands on her hips. "BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOKS!"  
  
"You believe them?"  
  
"Well we're here aren't we!"  
  
Tessa joined in. "You're so stupid, Artemis."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"This whole thing is probably rigged to a mass hallucination!"  
  
"Do you really believe that?"  
  
"No not really, why?"  
  
Perhaps the argument caused some distraction to Frodo, who knows? But Gollum used that exact moment to bite through the Ringbearer's living flesh. Frodo fell, visible once more.  
  
"Master!" Sam said, getting up.  
  
Tessa gave a shriek and ran forward. "Frodo!"  
  
Gollum was doing his la-di-dah Smeagol hula dance. "My Precious!"  
  
Jennie, who had followed Tessa, gave him a look and pushed him off the cliff. "You jock. Go get yourself a grass skirt and come back when you can do it properly."  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" said Gollum as he fell.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" said Frodo as he looked up into Tessa's affectionate eyes. "Eru, no! Anything but this!"  
  
She began lecturing him as she picked him up and carried him out of the mountain. "There is no Eru. There is one and only God, and he loves you." Tessa kissed him on the nose.  
  
Frodo gagged. "Are you sure?"  
  
She scowled. "Don't be irreverent. My mom smacks me on the head when I do that."  
  
Meanwhile, Sauron was being destroyed in the Dark Tower, as Jennie had just melted the One Ring. Ringwraiths came plunging at Tessa and Frodo only to burn up in a flash of flame.  
  
She kept talking. "He sent his one and only son for you."  
  
Frodo looked at Sam.  
  
"No, no, no!" Tessa smacked him on the head, using her mom's technique.  
  
Jennie coughed into her fist. "Tessa, is now the time?"  
  
"I guess you're right." Tessa caught sight of his bleeding hand. "Ah! You're bleeding."  
  
Frodo tried to wriggle out of her grasp. "No, really?"  
  
She picked up his four-fingered hand. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I would have given him a whole hand of mine rather." Blood streamed over her own hand as she hugged him.  
  
Frodo relaxed just a little. Maybe this dubious individual wasn't as insane as he thought.  
  
Artemis looked away, trying not to gag, and spotted a huge LEP craft moving through the air toward them. His eyes got very big, and he started backing away. "Uh-oh."  
  
Jennie noticed. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It's a blue-rinse." Artemis kept backing away. Lava was streaming down in little rivers around them as Mount Doom convulsed, but the mastermind hardly noticed. "If that thing goes off, we're all going to be so much ash."  
  
Sam, who wouldn't know technology if it bit him on the nose, was walking toward it. "It looks like one of Gandalf's fireworks."  
  
Artemis covered his eyes.  
  
The bio-bomb swerved around Sam and continued its flight. Jennie joined Tessa over Frodo. Warm hobbit blood had already drenched Tessa's sleeve.  
  
The bomb exploded.  
  
Tessa felt Frodo's hand turn to mist in her fingers. She stood up in the weird not-time place, next to Jennie. Their surroundings were black.  
  
Artemis walked over to them. His voice was sort of dreamy. "What's going on?"  
  
Jennie noticed that her bow was no longer digging into her shoulder. Even their clothes seemed strangely unreal. "I don't know. Did we die?"  
  
With a loud thunderclap, their surroundings darkened.  
  
*  
  
Root walked around the four, almost bursting with pride. "We did it! You're home."  
  
"We're WHAT?" Jennie looked around, taking in the short elves, Leah dribbling in a corner, Foaly typing away.  
  
"Well, you did it," he said. "Neither of the hobbits died. Right now the eagles are carrying them and the weapons you left back to Gondor."  
  
Holly walked over, smiling. "We saved your lives."  
  
"You BROUGHT us BACK?" Tessa yelped, and slapped her.  
  
*  
  
(dances around in hula skirt chanting REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!) 


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Recovery

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS! Now all you gotta do is REVIEW ME!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Eighteen: Recovery  
  
"Drink this."  
  
A blurred hand made its way into Holly's vision. "Go on. You put out a lot of energy to bring us back. You need it."  
  
She blinked groggily. The hand separated into two.  
  
Jennie forced the cooling tea down the captain's throat and set it on the bedside table. They were in the LEP infirmary, and it was about fifteen minutes after the cousins had returned. Promptly after their arrival, Holly had collapsed. Three guesses why.  
  
"Geez, Holly," Tessa said from behind her cousin, "talk about spontaneous combust. What did you eat?"  
  
Odd. The girl was spewing nonsensical phrases. The captain tried to sit up.  
  
Jennie looked at Root in relief. "She's not dead."  
  
The commander released his death grip on Tessa. "Why the bloody hell did you punch her out?"  
  
She sniffled. "You BROUGHT us BACK. I was ticked, okay? I still am. So leave my emotionally scarred self alone."  
  
"Well, they brought us back at a good time," Jennie hazarded. Tessa shot her a death glare. "Hey, I wasn't exactly enjoying watching Frodo bleed all over you."  
  
Remembering, the other's gaze fell to her fingers. They were stained with hobbit blood, as was her palm, and her sleeves. The red liquid was still wet.  
  
"Root," she said suddenly, "get me a vial."  
  
"A vial?" Jennie started to laugh insanely. "You're going to keep Frodo's blood as a memoir, Tessa?"  
  
Her cousin only smiled. "Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. It IS our only tie to Middle Earth now, though."  
  
"You have a sick mind."  
  
"I have a conservative mind."  
  
"???" said Jennie.  
  
As Root left to get the requested vial, Tessa dropped her voice. "I'll explain later."  
  
"Now."  
  
"Later."  
  
"Now."  
  
"Jennie, you have an annoying tendency to be impatient about the most awkward things."  
  
"Like you aren't?"  
  
"I don't see YOU preserving any strand of Legolas's hair."  
  
Jennie covered her mouth. "Omigod! I forgot to ask him for one! DAMN!"  
  
"Next time," Tessa reassured her.  
  
Holly, who had been vaguely listening to them, felt a stab of horror in her gut. Next time?  
  
She decided she didn't want to know.  
  
Root returned with a small glass vial and handed it to Tessa, who proceeded to shed about an ounce of hobbit blood into the container. "Now we have a souvenir."  
  
Jennie examined the red liquid. "Tessa?"  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"This is NOT going on the kitchen table, okay?"  
  
Foaly cut in hastily. "It's time for you to go home."  
  
*  
  
One wild, horrible, frightening chute ride later:  
  
*  
  
Alison bolted for the bathroom as soon as they entered their house. Holly followed her - she had started this thing with Artemis, she might as well see it through.  
  
Jennie snickered at her older sister, even though the girl did look a little green herself. "Are you going to be sick, Ally?"  
  
"No, Jen, I just really have to go," Ally called.  
  
Tessa poked Jennie and looked meaningfully at Leah as she whispered, "Tiny bladders must be genetic, I guess." ((A/N: My aunt has the tiniest bladder in the world. Don't even ask.))  
  
Her cousin was hysteric with laughter.  
  
"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?" Root boomed.  
  
Leah had her arms around his ankles. "Pretty tomato go 'way." Her face puckered.  
  
The cousins looked at each other. Pretty tomato. Ookay. . .  
  
They were now officially scared.  
  
Behind them, Artemis sniggered. He was examining the fading time shield. "Um, Commander, I think you'd better take your men home. In about five minutes it will be full daylight."  
  
Root nodded. Prying his boots from Leah's grasp, he and his men faded into the background, shielding themselves from human eyes. Rustles in the grass and then stillness told the four when they had gone.  
  
Artemis, Tessa, and Jennie looked at each other. Leah sat up and drooled.  
  
Jennie prodded her with a foot. "I wonder if she'll ever be completely sane again."  
  
"She will be," the mastermind said immediately. "I asked Foaly; she should be okay in an hour maximum."  
  
Tessa sighed. "Not like she was sane in the first place."  
  
With a sound like the shattering of glass, the time-field evaporated. The three merely stood for a moment, and then moved towards the house. Jennie tried to get her mom to stand and only barely succeeded; Artemis had to help before Leah would move through the back door.  
  
Tessa stood for a moment, fumbling in her pocket for a vial of blood. She drew it out. Glittering in the morning light, it shone crimson.  
  
Closing her fingers around a myth, the girl moved towards reality.  
  
*  
  
The following day, Artemis decided to go home, back to Ireland. The excitement had worn him out.  
  
"Not that I don't like you, or anything," he told the girls. "But could we please come up with a plot or something to get me home?"  
  
"Leave that to me," Holly said smugly. "Foaly equipped me with a few extra mind-wipes. All you have to worry about is how we'll get there, and-"  
  
"I can do anything," Artemis finished. "So that works out just fine."  
  
Abruptly, both the cousins hugged him. He stood stock-still, confused.  
  
"Thank you for the best time ever," Tessa sniffled, stepping back.  
  
Jennie let go of him too. "Keep in touch, will you?"  
  
"How could I fail to miss the equivalent of an insane rhinoceros?" he asked wryly.  
  
They all laughed, though - to his own surprise - Artemis had to turn away to wipe his eyes.  
  
*  
  
That evening, after many mind wipes and several forged airplane tickets, Tessa, Jennie, and Alison saw Artemis and Holly off at a New England airport. The girls were all rather weepy, and Alison conveniently made a restroom stop at the moment of parting.  
  
"I'm getting worried about all these bathroom stops," Jennie confided in Tessa. "Do you think she really did get worms?"  
  
The other shrugged and led the way into a gift shop (old habits never die, do they?). "We can. . . look around until you go," she told Artemis, sniffling.  
  
After about ten minutes of browsing, the four - Ally was still in the bathroom - walked down to the gate. Overhead, a falsetto voice crackled through the speakers. "B26 now boarding, repeat B26 now boarding. Please keep your luggage with you at all times and thank you for using America Airlines."  
  
Artemis sighed. "That's us." He handed the captain her B26 ticket, and the four mulled around at the gate.  
  
Holly grew tired of the procrastinated goodbyes and went ahead down the walkway. "I'm boarding," she informed her companion. "If you miss the flight, believe me, I will find and kill you in the most inhumane way possible."  
  
"I'm coming, I'm coming," Artemis snarled at the short, departing figure. He turned back to the cousins. "Listen. . ."  
  
"Thank you," Jennie interrupted, eyes shining wetly.  
  
"Yeah," Tessa added. "I finally got to see Frodo!" She pulled the vial of hobbit blood out of her shirt. It now dangled at the end of a fine silver chain.  
  
"You're obsessive."  
  
"You're just jealous."  
  
"I got to destroy the one Ring. NOTHING beats that. Not even Frodo."  
  
Tessa scowled.  
  
"Thank YOU," Artemis said, taking the opportunity to prevent a major brawl. "I, well, Middle Earth wasn't exactly what I expected of America, but. You two really made me appreciate my family more. And-"  
  
"Final call for B26 boarders," called the falsetto voice.  
  
The cousins both stepped forward and gave Artemis a kiss, one on each cheek. He reddened and hugged them, and then ran down the walkway without a backward look. His plane was starting.  
  
As soon as she was sure he had made it aboard, Tessa turned, slit-eyed, to Jennie. "Frodo is SO better than destroying the One Ring."  
  
"Yeah? Well, I got Legolas's bow."  
  
"FRODO'S BETTER!"  
  
"IN YOUR DREAMS, YOU LITTLE WRETCH!"  
  
Passerby scattered as Tessa tackled Jennie. . .  
  
  
  
*  
  
Outside the building, seated in an airplane window seat, Artemis could faintly hear the enraged screams of the cousins inside the airport.  
  
He smiled.  
  
It was a comfort to know that some things would never change.  
  
*  
  
I know. I'm horrible at endings. I wrap things up WAY too quickly. But oh well. Now all you have left to read is the epilogue! YAYNESS! Don't forget to review ppl! Or I won't put up the sequel: The Return of the Kin (get it, cousins are kin? Lol). 


	19. Epilogue

(sniffle cry) It's over. Thank you reviewers! I love you! Be sure to keep checking my lookup- I'm starting the sequel! So. This is the end of the Conspiracy. WAAAH! I started this in AUGUST! OMG that's a LONG time ago. O.o  
  
*  
  
Epilogue  
  
Only a week after his departure from America, Artemis Fowl was walking around outside Fowl Manor, comparing the orchards and gardens around his home to the scenery of Middle Earth. His parents had been ecstatic about his return, and for once he was thankful for their care. How much the cousins had shown him!  
  
In his hand, he held a half-finished letter to them.  
  
*  
  
Dear Tessa, Jennie, and Alison of course:  
  
I'm settled in the Manor, more content than I was ever before. Butler is euphoric that no harm has come to me. I'm not sure if I have the nerve to tell him the truth.  
  
If you ever come to Ireland, please don't give my adventures away to the others in my residence. They would believe us all stark mad. I understand that nothing can prevent Tessa from raving about Frodo, but even so, it's better that my parents think HER stark mad instead of me as well. . .  
  
*  
  
He grinned. She would throw a double duck fit when she read that.  
  
As he mused over things to write, Butler drew up behind his employer. "Problems, Artemis?"  
  
"No," the mastermind replied absentmindedly. "Everything's great."  
  
Butler glanced at the boy. He was smiling into the distance, quite oblivious to the manservant's presence. "Are you sure you're all right?"  
  
Artemis snapped out of it. "Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
The man frowned. Since when did Artemis say "yeah"? "You aren't acting normal."  
  
Laughing, Artemis led his friend into the gardens. He'd never noticed how colorful Fowl Manor blossoms were before. . .  
  
Butler was still studying him. "Master Artemis, what really happened when you ran away?"  
  
Artemis seemed not to hear. He was staring into the vegetation, having spotted a flicker of movement among the flowers. There was a humming noise, loud and birdlike, before he caught a flash of orange feathers.  
  
A moment later, the creature came into view. Memory flooded the mastermind as he stared into the beady black eyes of a Rufous hummingbird. He could almost see Tessa and Jennie scrambling for a closer look at this miniature wonder of nature. . .  
  
Wondering if his charge had been overeating caviar, Butler waved his hand slowly in front of the boy's face. Again, Artemis was brought back suddenly to the real world.  
  
"Yes, Butler?"  
  
The manservant repeated his question. "What really happened when you ran away?"  
  
Whistling, the hummingbird darted away. Artemis stared after it.  
  
"Butler?"  
  
"Yes, Artemis."  
  
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Turning, the mastermind made his way back to the Manor, with Butler staring after him.  
  
A continent away, Tessa and Jennie were beginning their own letter.  
  
It was summer. Life was good.  
  
*  
  
BYE EVERYBODY! I LOVE YOU ALL! (metaphorically of course winkwink) Be sure and review my NOW COMPLETE STORY! 


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